


Self-appointed guardian angel

by TheInvisibleElf



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Guardian Angels, Multi, Post Season 10, asking hard fucking questions, who says guardian angels aren't basically also stalkers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:40:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 37,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22695685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInvisibleElf/pseuds/TheInvisibleElf
Summary: It was a totally normal uneventful day. At least until the doorbell rang.“Motherfucker!”, he exclaimed as he saw her standing there. Carelessly and unimpressed with his demeanour. She just pushed him aside and entered their apartment uninvited.- Ian and Mickey didn't think they needed a guardian angel anymore. They were finally together and happy. Too bad their guardian angel turned out to be an annoying stubborn bitch who didn't care if they wanted her help. She just kept coming back with her incessant need to ask them hard fucking questions.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher & Mandy Milkovich, Ian Gallagher & Yevgeny Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Mandy Milkovich & Mickey Milkovich, Mickey Milkovich & Yevgeny MIlkovich
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. Crazy Bitch

**Author's Note:**

> So, I am actually notoriously bad at writing fanfiction. Because I only seem to be able to do it when i basically make a crossover with characters and storylines that I invented myself. 
> 
> This entire story has a backstory that hardly focusses on Gallavich and is more about the characters I have invented. I hope I explained what happend earlier sufficiently and maybe I am going to add the backstory chapter in the end. Just thought it would have been weird to start with that. 
> 
> Unbetaed - I proudly claim all the mistakes in this chapter.  
> Crossposted on Fanfiction.net

It had been a normal day.

He had woken up to Ian’s sleepy face. Had breakfast between unpacked boxes and loosely distributed kitchen items. (They had moved in a month ago but still hadn’t got around to that shit.) Afterwards he had gone to his parole appointed job at the shopping mall and then came home, opened a beer for himself and had started making dinner. He was no cook but he knew Ian would be exhausted when he came home so he at least tried to make something edible. 

(The amount of proper normalcy in his life now still weirded Mickey out. He was fucking married had a legal job and shared an apartment with his husband. It was like they were some kind of family on TV. Like they actually had their shit together for once. Granted their wedding rings were probably stolen but who cared.)

It was a totally normal uneventful day. At least until the doorbell rang.

“Motherfucker!”, he exclaimed as he saw her standing there. Carelessly and unimpressed with his demeanour. She just pushed him aside and entered their apartment uninvited.

“Andy tells me you actually thought I wasn’t keeping my promise”, she said in such an unconcerned tone it already sounded like a threat. Probably actually was one.

(She had a weird accent. Her English was almost impeccable not spiked with strange emphases and mispronounced letters like Svetlana's. But she didn’t sound like she grew up talking English. She might have been from Europe or some other place. It’s not like Mickey was a fucking expert.)

“The fuck are you doing here?”, he asked a little exasperatedly, ignoring her comment.

She just shrugged and didn’t even look at him. “Told ya, I would be checking up on you”, she explained unimpressed while she eyed the unpacked boxes critically.

And Mickey realised just now that she hadn’t been joking. Initially he thought she was just trying to threaten him into actually doing what she asked him to do. And when he met her brother or almost brother or whatever again a few months ago and he had hinted at that whole checking up thing, he thought it was some kind of inside joke between the siblings or something.

But now the crazy bitch was actually inside his apartment inspected his chaotic partially stocked kitchen and his half-prepared meal for his husband.

(It was probably his own fault. Somebody crazy enough to greet him with a fucking knife against his throat was also crazy enough to follow through on her threats.)

Honestly though, it was not just that she was crazy. Mickey had also tried to forget about the time Ian essentially left him at the altar and he flipped out and moved in with the next dick he could find.

And coincidentally that was when he met her and her brother.

He had been so mad. And hurt. It was like his body couldn’t decide between wanting to burst out of his skin from anger or to cry in a corner. He couldn’t really see over the walls of his emotions back then. Even when Ian kept coming back for him. He wanted more. He wanted security in a game that didn’t offer any.

Mickey didn’t know what prompted him to give in, in the end. Was it Ian with crutches beating up the twink he had clung to get away from the redhead. Or just that he missed him more than was humanly possible to overcome. Or the sight of that fucking asshat idiot Ian had called his date. (Maybe he had been a little jealous as well. Not that he would tell Ian that. Not that Ian needed to be told.)

Or maybe it actually was the crazy bitch that was currently taking a soda out of his fridge and sat down on his kitchen counter.

He had gone out one night when he was staying with Barry/ Byron whatever. Because he couldn’t stand sitting in that squeaky-clean place anymore. So, he had went to a local bar where nobody knew him, his mind set on drowning his heartache in alcohol.

There he had met this strange guy in a wheelchair with similar intentions. He was shocked to find out the guy actually had similar reasons, too. So, they got talking about stupid fucking idiots that just broke your heart and discussed how much alcohol would most likely cure their condition.

It was probably a testament to the number of beverages he had already consumed when he followed that guy home to his apartment so they could lament a little more privately.

There she had suddenly appeared. Pressing a knife to his throat and demanded to know what he wanted with her brother. When she realised, he was actually just a fucking heartbroken cry-baby she let go of him and just naturally joined in on their conversation.

“Soooooo,” she began sipping the soda she so nonchalantly took out of his fridge. “Andy tells me you thought you were off the hook because you married your guy” She gave him a pointed look Mickey didn’t really get.

He huffed exhausted and exclaimed hopelessly: “Why the hell am I even on the hook? We don’t even really know each other?”

She just laughed in his face and ignored his demur. “I actually am kind of impressed. Manoeuvring out of that mess must have taken quite the declaration of love or some other sappy shit.”, she stated in fake appreciation. Then she raised an eyebrow at him and continued: “Or just ignorance of the issues that created the mess in the first place.”

He snorted. “Says the one who declined multiple proposals!”, he countered thankfully remembering the little comment she made about that last time.

But it didn’t seem to have the desired effect because she just shrugged again and teasingly replied: “Yes, I did and I probably will in the future. Doesn’t mean I didn’t work on listening better though.”

“What do you want?”, he asked defeated.

She smiled warmly at him. “Told you I would know if you kept your promise or not. So, let’s just start with: Are you happy?”

Mickey snorted again. Was this a fucking joke to her?

But the look in her eyes was deadly serious and so far, sarcastically evading her didn’t really work out for him. Maybe a little honesty was worth a shot.

“Yeah, actually I am really fucking good. Being a parolee, working a shit job in some shopping mall and hardly being able to afford living is really working out for me. So, all in all I would say I am amazing!”, he boasted while rolling his eyes.

(Okay so the honesty thing wouldn’t work without a shit ton of sarcasm. She would have to deal with that.)

Thankfully (or unfortunately - he wasn’t quite sure) his grumpy demeanour didn’t bother his guest in the slightest. She just chuckled and nodded appreciatively. 

"Is this 'my life is objectively a shit show' - act a defence mechanism? Or do you actually feel like you are too screwed up to actually be happy?"

Mickey opened his mouth to shoot back but closed it again when he realised, he didn't know what to say.

(He couldn't remember when he was last lost for words. The witty sarcastic comments always came easy for him and kept him from letting anything sink in to deep.)

She didn't really seem to expect an answer anyway she just looked at him with sad eyes and an unreadable expression.

Finally, he found his voice again and yelled at her annoyed: "Why the hell do you even care? We literally met once! And now you ask all these sappy bullshit questions!"

To his dismay she still didn't seem the slightest bit concerned about his aggravated state. She just shrugged which seemed to be her primary response to everything he said.

"You are right", she admitted and caught Mickey by surprise. "We don't know each other and I'm actually not the touchy feely type either. You actually don’t even have to answer me. I will listen if you want to someday. But I would never expect you to. The answers are for you not me. I am here for the questions.”

She got up from the kitchen counter, jugged the can of soda in the bin and made her way back to the door. Before she left his apartment again, she turned around once more and said determinedly: “And I don’t care if you hate it. It won’t stop me from asking. And it will definitely not stop me from encouraging you to think about it. I don’t enjoy helplessly standing by and watching people gleefully sabotaging their life. So, deal with it!”

Mickey snorted and looked away because the sheer determination and stubbornness in her eyes just purely overwhelmed him. (And the emotional intensity of the situation had risen to levels he definitely couldn’t handle.)

That was one hell of a hard-headed bitch.

* * *

The next time she appeared randomly in the shopping mall he was working security in. She just pretended to look through the clothes although it was obvious to everybody with eyeballs that she didn’t care about fashion and even less about the clothes she was currently regarding.

He only noticed her when he passed by and somebody suddenly asked behind him: “Do you have a happy relationship?”

"Jesus!", he exclaimed startled. "You know that's not how you start a fucking conversation!"

She wore sunglasses today which made her look even more unimpressed and uncaring than she would have anyway.

"What the hell are you even doing here?", he asked suspiciously.

His self-appointed stalker or whatever she was supposed to be just raised an eyebrow explaining calmly: "What does it look like? I'm shopping of course!"

His gaze went over the rack of children clothes again and then back at the women who was entirely dressed in black and what almost looked like combat clothes.

He rolled his eyes. "Sure, you are"

She continued to inspect the clothing while stubbornly asking: “You married your guy, right? So, what do you think about your relationship? Are you happy? Are you working on it?”

A small quiet laughter escaped him and even though he didn’t really want to, he admitted: “I think we are just as screwed up as ever… But yeah… I think I’m happy...”

She turned around and looked at him quizzically. “You think you are happy?”

He went over to the other end of the shop hoping that she would follow him while wishing for her to leave. He was not sure if he liked being forced to think about all of that. The funny part was that he didn’t hate it. And that confused him.

She actually didn’t follow him. She picked up some children clothes and as she went to the counter, she went past him and mumbled silently but still making sure that he could hear it: “You know, for a long time I didn’t think happiness was something I can actually achieve, either.” And then she was gone.

________

She was not exactly gone. Maybe she never left the shopping mall maybe she just came back. Whatever she did in the meantime, when he was leaving work hours later, she was sitting on a bench in the pretty much empty shopping mall, eating a sandwich and gazing into the nothingness.

He didn’t know why he went up to that bench sat down not too far from her. He really had no fucking clue why something in himself commanded him to take a deep fucking breath and ask between clenched teeth: “How?”

She didn’t look over to him. The only indication that she even heard him is that she swallowed down the bite of her sandwich she just took and put it away.

“Honey, I need a little more details to answer that”, she finally whispered.

He shook his head like he is trying to shake of all the unhealthy thoughts and coping mechanisms he adopted over the years. And he really tried to answer but the words are stuck in his throat and wander back down to his belly when he realised, he doesn’t have the courage to ask again.

Because she might have thought the same way as him about happiness once upon a time. She may even get his hang-ups about allowing himself to feel proper emotion. But the way she said it made him think that she is better now. That she achieved something he so far has been struggling with. And admitting defeat or that he was maybe in some ridiculous way inferior to her made him sick to his stomach and tied up his throat.

So, he tried to cover up his emotional dilemma with a cough and mumbled silently: “It’s nothing… just forget about it…”

Mickey started to get up, already planning to forget about this whole encounter when she spoke again: “It’s hard work. Being happy. It doesn’t just come to you. I am not saying happiness is a choice. But you have to understand or maybe convince yourself that bad things in the world or even in your life do not spoil all the beauty of the world. It seems like that sometimes. Like the bad things just suck out all the colour out of life… Sometimes I still think I can’t get all the colour back”

She took a deep breath and looked at him intensely. “It’s hard work”, she repeated. “I have to remind myself that I am worthy of happiness. That I don’t disqualify from happiness because of things that happened to me. And I have to remind myself although good things do not make the bad things better or any less horrible than they are … The good things still are good. And the world is still beautiful and life can be happy. And that’s the hard thing. Enjoying life and chasing your happiness even if you can’t see the colour of the world every day”

“Fuck!”, Mickey exclaimed. “What are you? A fucking would-be philosopher?”

She just laughed and for the first time he noticed how much she enjoyed laughing. She laughed with her heart and not to spite somebody or to laugh at somebody. She laughed for the joy of it. He was not sure he ever heard somebody laugh like that.

“You didn’t marry him to somehow save your relationship, right? You just love him and you two talked about the shit that happened, right?”, she asked tentatively throwing him an uncertain gaze.

He turned around confused and frankly offended. “The fuck would I do that? ‘Course I married him ‘cause I love him!”, he insisted a little insulted.

(They had talked about a lot of it. Maybe not all of it. Maybe some of it was just too hurtful. And maybe it still kinda weighed on Mickeys chest. But he got to wake up next to Ian every day. And he got to look at his wedding band every day to remind him that Ian was staying. And maybe that calmed down his anxiety a little.)

She nodded and smiled. “I was worried”, she admitted. “I don’t really care if you are married or not to be honest. I don’t really know if I like or even understand the concept of marriage. That’s beside the point”

She swallowed and looked away again. “But I somehow care if you are working on your relationship so it makes you happy. Marriage does not necessarily mean that it is a happy relationship. And a relationship is not a requirement for happiness. Sometimes it can even stand in the way in your happiness. Because listening is exhausting. And if you want a relationship to work you not only have to listen to your partners needs and wants and wishes or whatever but also your own. And people tend to forget about listening often… At least I think they do…”

She smiled at him one last time and then took her sandwich and left him there faster than he could think of anything to say to that.

* * *

“You know you don’t talk with fists, right?”, she asked him with a raised eyebrow. He just wanted a smoke before heading home. But some asshole had to ruin it all by making an unfortunately worded comment about homosexuality. He wasn’t exactly sure if the comment was even directed at him. But he had a really awful day so he didn’t care to distinguish between the guy insulting him or insulting some other queer. And so, he punched him in the face.

And that was the moment she had chosen to suddenly reappear in his life. Standing there nonchalantly with her hands in her pockets as if it was the most normal thing to seemingly appear out of nowhere. She ignored the guy who was now lying on the ground and looked at him with her unreadable expression. She might have been disappointed or just amused. Mickey wouldn’t know.

Mickey raised an eyebrow and sceptically asked while the guy used the distraction and scrambled away: “Really?

He hadn’t seen her in a few months. And he would never tell her that but he had actually thought about what she said about being happy. It was cheesy as shit and definitely not Milkovich-style but he realised that if there was even the slightest chance that she was even a little right he would have to put in the work to be happy.

She shrugged. “Normally people use words”, she remarked slyly with a smirk on her lips.

He huffed. Yeah because talking always helped with hate and fucking jerks. He should know. He grew up with both. Besides she was one to talk! So, he not so subtly reminded her: “Says the bitch I met when she pressed a fucking knife to my throat”

She laughed and confessed: “Right. I admit that might have been a bit over the top.”

(She didn’t apologize. She just agreed that it might have been a bit extreme. Now that he already knew her a little, he realized that she wouldn’t apologize if she wasn’t sorry just to make him feel better. She was honest to a fault even if it came with its own set of problems.)

She raised her hands in defence and clarified: “There was a stranger in Andy’s apartment and that idiot had his fucking back turned to you! I wasn’t taking any chances so soon after he escaped from all that bull shit!”

That sounded a lot like the traumatic backstory the both of them kept hinting at. Maybe even an explanation to why her brother was in a wheelchair. But Mickey was pretty sure she would be as tight lipped on the matter as her brother had been.

(At first, he wasn’t really focused on listening to everything the guy had told him. Too wrapped up in his own shit with Ian. And when he finally got interested in the whole thing and asked about it, he got vague answers at best.)

“But that’s beside the point. Me having my own trauma that I am still learning how to deal with in various degrees of healthiness doesn’t justify you not dealing with your trauma. And also, you didn’t even have a scratch! I didn’t hurt a hair on your head! I just used the knife to motivate you to properly answer the questions I had. Not to actually inflict harm on you”, she continued and gave him a pointed look towards the end.

Was she suggesting violence was fucking up his _listening skills_ or some other shit she was so incessant about? That was really fucking annoying. He really didn’t want to deal with that stuff today.

“I’m fine! No need for you to keep coming around!”, he almost begged her because he really just wanted to go home.

“Honey, it’s really cute how you think if you act annoyed long enough you will piss me off so much, I will finally stop trying to help you", she commiserated him a little and put her hand on his shoulder to guide him away from dirty street corner they were standing in.

(That was probably the first time she touched him since she threatened him with a knife. He hadn't exactly flinched when she put her hand there but he hadn't exactly welcomed the touch either. And judging by how her arm tensed up she wasn't really comfortable with this interaction either. Even though she initiated it.)

He shrugged away from her touch and sceptically inquired: “You’re helping?”

The way he saw it she just asked annoying questions he never even wanted to think about but never once asked if he was ok with it. There was nothing she did that he would consider _helping._

The girl just shrugged as unimpressed as ever with his hostile demeanour. “I never said I was good at it. But that is actually what I’m trying to do…”

He snorted in agreement. Yeah, he also wouldn’t say she was good at it.

They walked in silence for a few minutes until she slightly shook her head and continued: “Back to the point. Is the only way you deal with anger violence?”

“The fuck? That guy deserved it!”, he argued. Still pissed that she was patronising him like that.

“Doesn’t really matter. You can’t punch every asshole in the world”, she shot back. “Besides you didn’t really punch him because of his behaviour. His behaviour made you angry and that’s why you punched him.”

Mickey stopped walking and looked at her with a raised eyebrow, analysing the dead serious look on her face. She actually meant what she said. It shouldn’t surprise him anymore. She always did so far.

“Who the fuck made you my shrink?”, he harshly inquired turning away from her again. He had a bad day and her incessant questioning really wasn’t helping. It pissed him off most times but today he truly couldn’t handle it.

(Ian was on a downswing. He knew it could happen. That it was somehow normal. But it still rang every alarm bell in his head. Seeing him struggling to get out of bed always put him on edge. Especially when he can see the tear streaks on his face. It made him tense and particularly irritable. And then his colleagues at work were awful idiots. They were most days but today he just couldn’t handle it. And after work he went to this bar to put his mind of things and to avoid hovering over Ian because that just made Ian mad and then he was mad and then … And it was a fucking vicious cycle. And then this guy opened his stupid fucking mouth as he was about to leave…)

She didn’t pick up on his foul mood or she just powered through it. (Mickey wouldn’t put it past her.) Anyways she just continued walking beside him and throwing him knowing looks from time to time.

“Nobody made me anybody’s shrink. Just giving you my opinion.”, she answered his question honestly. And after a short pause she added: “I have spent quite some time around shrinks. Doesn’t mean I am qualified though.”

Micky almost laughed. Of course! This was just perfect. She was a headcase, too. He really should have known. He apparently attracted them like the light did flies.

“So, tell me, is that how you always deal with your anger?”, she asked in what could have been an impression of somebody. He had just no clue who. It definitely didn’t sound like herself.

“Who the fucks is that supposed to be?”, he frowned and unwillingly stomped further down the street next to her.

She laughs a little. “Nobody really”, she said. “But seriously do you always go bash somebody’s face in when you get angry? You told me you hit your guy as well when you were mad about the whole courthouse thing.”

It is weird that when she says stuff like this, she doesn’t sound concerned nor exhorting. It is almost neutral. As if she just asked what he had for breakfast this morning. Maybe that’s why he actually answers her and doesn’t just shut her up with a rude remark.

“Sometimes. Sometimes I go drinking”

He tried to make it sound causal. Like he didn’t care. Like he could just shrug off that confession as if it didn’t just make his inside squirm. He had always known he was fucked up but admitting it like that to a stranger who has been riding his ass about all things feeling and coping and whatever, wasn’t exactly comfortable.

Her reaction doesn’t really help his anxiety. Because she actually had the audacity to laugh. “That sounds like two highly efficient and healthy coping mechanisms”, she observes and this time she sounds a little desperate. Maybe she was just better in concealing her concern.

“Ian does it, too”, he defended himself. (It was not entirely true. Ian didn’t use alcohol to cope and he was a lot better at holding in his anger. But he punched that twink that talked shit about him the night they got engaged. And besides so far Ian had never met his lovely occasional stalker and he probably never would. So, he didn’t feel too bad about throwing his husband under the bus.)

“That is just fantastic!”, she points out sarcastically but doesn't say anything else.

They walk in silence the rest of the way. And Mickey only realised that she walked him home when they are standing right in front of their building. She doesn’t acknowledge that she just basically walked his drunken ass home. Or that she called him out on his stupid ass coping mechanisms. She just turns around without much of a goodbye. If he just followed her nothing much would have changed.

“Maybe think about some alternative ways to deal with your anger for a change”, she said finally as she waved him goodbye from the next street corner and disappeared around it the next minute.

Mickey shook his head and climbed up the stairs to his home. He doesn’t want to give her any credit because she really never actually helped him but when he lies in bed next to his depressed husband he somehow doesn’t feel as awful as he should.

And it can’t be because of her. Because she actually wanted him to feel bad about hitting that asshole and drinking when he was having a bad day. (At least that is what he thinks now. When it sinks in maybe in a month or two, he will realise that was not her agenda. She is just too honest to even have an agenda.)

And it was definitely not her doing that Ian doesn’t flick his arm away as he pulls him closer and it makes him so happy, he almost cries.

(He knew he would be okay again. But that doesn’t stop him from cherishing this moment. And maybe that had something to do with her.)


	2. Chatty Intruder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much to everybody that read and hopefully enjoyed the first chapter.  
> I am currently working on the third and probably last chapter. It could take a while until I finish it because apparently I have to do other life shit. I am pretty excited for it somehow because it seems to turn out a little differently then the others. We'll see.  
> And there still is the 13000 word backstory about how Mickey and this mystery woman and her brother first meet. Although it is mostly about the relationship between the almost-siblings and how they even got that title. So, I am not really sure if I should post it because it might not be very interesting to read if you are looking for Gallavich.  
> I will shut up now. 
> 
> I proudly claim all the mistakes as mine.

Ian had gotten up early even though it was his day off. He couldn’t really sleep in anyway because he had to take his meds in the morning and all the fucking routines. And besides, that way he could spend more time with his husband. With them both being on alternate shifts more times than not these few minutes were important to them. (Although Mickey insisted that it was bullshit because he was always so grumpy in the mornings. Just too bad that Ian loved him grumpy as well.)

He started cleaning the kitchen when Mickey had to go. He didn’t have time for it yesterday and Mickey didn’t really see the point in cleaning it as thoroughly as Ian would like to. So, Ian turned on the radio and washed the dishes they had used for breakfast when the doorbell rang.

He looked at his phone and frowned. None of his siblings said they were coming over and after walking in on him and Mickey multiple times they normally at least texted before showing up. And he couldn’t think of anybody else just standing in front of their door in the middle of the day.

It was a young woman about his age with one long blond braid and dressed almost all in black standing in front of their door. She looked as surprised to see him as he was to see her. But contrary to him she recognized him. Because she started grinning. (Which didn’t seem purely inviting more like on the verge of dangerous. But not the _I will shoot you kind of dangerous_ just the _siblings teasing each other_ kind of dangerous.)

“You must be Ian”, she assessed and without another word she pushed past him entering their apartment.

(He really should have reacted faster with all the practice he had from keeping Frank from entering their house. Maybe he wasn’t really expecting it because she wasn’t drunk off her ass and moved as fluently as water. Or maybe that were all excuses and he couldn’t have kept her outside the door even if he wanted to.)

Before he could protest, she was in their kitchen sitting down their chairs absentmindedly commenting: “It’s cleaner than last time…”

“Who the hell are you?”, Ian asked exasperatedly. He wasn’t panicking or anything but a strange person just randomly entering his kitchen sitting down like she owned the place and letting slip that she had already been here once definitely made him a little uneasy.

“I must have miscalculated. Or I am just more tired than I thought and mixed it up…”, she rambled not explaining anything at all and therefore also not helping Ian’s anxiety.

(He was getting really nervous. A strange person just randomly coming to his house was not a good sign in his book. He and his husband both went to prison which didn’t really made you feel safe around this particular brand of strangers. Plus, he had a medical diagnosis that allowed him to be paranoid sometimes.)

He was trying to channel the Milkovich swagger and sounding as threatening as he could when he asked: “Who the fuck are you? And what the fuck are you doing in my apartment?”

(His voice had actually sounded pretty cold and intimidating. But Ian could still hear the panic around the edges. He should definitely work on that.)

But to his dismay she just chuckled as if he made an inside joke. “Don’t worry. I am not here to harm anybody. Just to ask fucking hard questions”, she explained not the least bit distraught by his aggressive tone.

Ian just looked at her disturbed. What kind of sick fucking person was this? She basically just broke into his apartment and didn’t even seem to think that was somehow strange or warranted a threat or at least an explanation.

“If it makes you feel better, I’ve been kind of haunting your husband for the past year. Annoying the shit out of him with my questioning as well. Seems to be your turn today”, she declared with a soft smile on her lips that almost seemed reassuring.

Mickey had very weird friends from his stints in prison and his time in Mexico. But he had never actually mentioned a crazy blond bitch who seemed to be assaulting him on the regular.

“I asked him to get better at listening some time ago. And I guess you are the best person to judge if he actually has taken it to heart”, she expounded further while looking at her hands disinterestedly.

“What the fuck do you want from Mickey?”, he almost shouted now.

He was really getting on edge now. Threaten him all you want. He could deal with that. But threaten Mickey? Every time this happened some borderline homicidal urges awakened in his gut.

“Calm down, carrot top!”, she replied laughingly. “I met him a few months ago when I was visiting my brother. He's not in danger or anything…"

And suddenly Ian remembered the fleeting meeting in the bar with the guy Mickey met during their short separation. What was his name again? Andy! And hadn't they talked about the guy's crazy sister? Now that he thought about it, hadn't they mentioned that said sister would be checking up on Mickey?

(He also remembered that she wasn't really the guy's sister. More like weird almost sister in law or something. But apparently, she herself wasn’t too keen on the details.)

“Anyway, now that we are both here, I can check up with you as well”, she continued confidently. “So, first of all tell me how you are doing? And has that stubborn idiot you married finally learned to listen a little better?”, she wanted to know almost non-caringly but the intensity her voice was pinched with betrayed how serious she was.

Ian looked at her scrutinizing. There was no good reason for him to do as she said. He didn't owe her anything. She just barged into his home and didn't really give him a good reason to do as she said.

On the other hand, she probably wouldn't care about logic and not leave without at least some kind of reaction to him. And well… as far as he knew she might actually have played some kind of role in making Mickey forgive him after the whole courthouse debacle.

So, it might have been any of these reasons or none of them at all or just the seriousness in her eyes as she asked the question. But Ian actually answered.

"I am as good as I can be, I guess. I am married to the fucking love of my life although I almost screwed it up multiple times. We are good. Finally, there is nothing keeping us apart anymore…”, he trailed of.

It was silent for a while. His guest was frowning and avoiding his gaze and not really reacting in any way at all. Which made Ian really fucking twitchy. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt nervously awaiting some kind of sarcastic comment or something. He couldn’t really deal with this silence shortly after he just made himself vulnerable to a fucking stranger. Had he said something wrong? Was that not what she wanted? What the hell was going on?

“Could you fucking say something?”, he finally snapped at her after a few minutes.

“Sorry. Didn’t really know what the protocol was when I actually get answers. Your guy never bothered with them”, she apologized with a smirk not the slightest bit bothered by his tone. Then she looked away as if she was unsure.

Ian almost chuckled. This woman just invaded his home without a comment and didn’t seem like she was the least bit concerned about the possible repercussions or reactions that could provoke. But now he just answered the strange question she posed and she seemed like she didn’t know what to do anymore. Like suddenly she became shy.

“The deal is…”, she explained still not deigning to look at him. “I ask hard, stupid sometimes almost borderline threatening questions. I always liked to do that. At least that’s what my brother always said. But it’s not about anything more than asking the questions. I just wanna ask them. You can think about them. You can even answer them. If you want to you can tell me the answers … but you don’t have to, I won’t force you”

She finally looked at him again this time she was not unsure anymore. Just honest and deadly serious and that’s how she continued: “So, don’t freak out on me. And I don’t even really know you, so don’t have to take anything I say to heart. Just bear with me because I am going to ask a bunch of stupidly idiotic questions”

This time he chuckled for real. He had no idea why but this whole speech about hard questions somehow endeared her to him. He felt like he could actually really like her if they got to know each other better.

But the warm sentiment he gathered for her was quickly taken away when she pulled out the ground from under his feet when she asked him: “I don’t know what it’s like to feel without abandon. Actually, it had taken me a long time to let myself feel freely and not bury anything deep inside me. So, it was only recently that I understood feeling emotions even negative one could be amazing and freeing. And I just wondered if you missed feeling sometimes”

Her voice was quiet but clear. And he didn’t miss a single word although he almost wished he did. It hurt. Because yeah sometimes it felt like missing out. Sometimes he wanted to jump out of his skin from joy or even fear or anger and he just couldn’t. It felt like being left out of life. Like life was happening inside and he just got to watch from the window and nobody let him in. Sometimes he still blamed the meds. That they wouldn’t let him see the colours like he used to. Like he was caged.

He didn’t say any of that. She just told him she actually didn’t need to hear his answers.

“Yeah”, he said after a few minutes of silence. His hands and voice shaking at the confession. “The worst part is the fear. When I feel really happy, I don’t feel like I can trust it. I am afraid that it’s not real. That the meds stopped working… that my life will spiral out of control again soon…”

His voice was nothing more than a whisper now. He hadn’t told that to anybody before. They were worrying about him enough as it was. No need to freak them out further. But he just trusted this stranger with that secret. Why the hell did he do that?

(Maybe because she was strange and a little pushy and had no regard for decorum but she was nothing but honest. And that somehow calmed him down. And gave him the strength to admit to all that.)

“Enjoying life is fucking hard”, she agreed, gazing into the nothingness. “Someone once told me. Time doesn’t go backwards. The present influences the future. The past might, too. But the future can’t influence the present.”

He looked at her confused. What the hell was she on about?

“Just because tomorrow everything might go to shit doesn’t mean that today can’t be a beautiful day. Just cause the sun won’t shine tomorrow it can still shine today. We can only deal with things one thing at a time. So being observant is good. Keeping an eye out for yourself and your well-being is good. Being careful is not shitty”

She paused and stood up to look out of the window and silently continued: “But I experienced myself that halting your life and shutting everything and everybody out is really shitty”

Ian had to think about that moment on the stairs when he told Mickey that there was just too much wrong with him. Or when he couldn’t sign the fucking marriage license and didn’t even know why. Or how he was still not really sure how Mickey could love him. He might have been right. It might be all true. But it was still shitty.

(He might not be willing to admit that this sappy bullshit was maybe a little true. Ian was nobody who held a lot of value for words. Maybe more so than Mickey but in the end, words just couldn’t really cut it most of the time.)

Out loud he said: "Why are you telling me all that self-help crap?"

Now she laughed and then scolded him: "Self-help groups aren't all bad. And what I've heard about you and your screwed-up perception of your own worth because of your illness - I think you could actually benefit from it!”

Ian just snorted and walked over to the fridge to get a soda. He needed something to drink if this conversation would continue any further. Certainly, he would have preferred alcohol but that just fucked with his meds so he would take what he could get now.

As he was standing over the sink, observing the dishes he abandoned bevor some random girl decided to make him question his life today, she decided to quietly go on: “You know, my brother was in an accident a few years back. And that wasn’t necessarily easy for him. I guess realising you will have to live the rest of your life with some kind of impairment never is…”

No, it definitely fucking wasn’t. But if she was talking about the guy in the wheelchair, he met in the bar back then it was still pretty fucking different. Ian didn’t want to deem being physically impaired worse than being mentally ill. But it was fucking different. He couldn’t trust his own mind. He had to take meds that dulled his emotions. It was fucking with his feelings, with his perception with everything. He couldn’t just get a wheelchair for that.

“He felt caged at first. Like his life wasn’t his own anymore. He was depended on physical alteration everywhere he went. Places without elevators or ramps just weren’t accessible to him. He felt like he could conquer the world before his accident and now it was like his world had shrunk to the places other people decided he wanted to go”, she continued stone faced.

(Ian wondered how she could tell such a compelling story and still look like a fucking statue. It was really strange. Looking at it from the outside she could as easily been in a business meeting. Granted a very loose business meeting in his kitchen but still.)

Ian started to doubt his earlier thoughts. He always had two working legs. (Or more or less working) He was never kept from places he wanted to reach by nothing but structural inconveniences. He only knew his own struggle. And even if he felt like he would trade it immediately for a broken spine he might stand corrected once he actually had to deal with it.

The girl looked at him almost smiling and just carried on: “Recovery was hard on him. He was in a special rehab facility for spinal cord injuries for quite a while. It did wonders to his physical recovery. He learned how to go to the bathroom. How to handle a wheelchair properly. Which kind of wheelchair he needed. Everything he would need to be able to live on his own again. That’s how he got at least a part of his independence back. But it didn’t really help him mentally. He beat himself up about not being able to do basic stuff he could do before. He hated seeing other patients that were somehow better off than him or were getting better faster. Sometimes it helps to see people struggling with the same thing. Makes you feel less alone in the world. But it didn’t help Andy. It made him feel more alone.”

That turn came unexpected. Ian thought she would tell him how this self-help shit had made her brother so much better. How he should really try it. Or some other sappy bullshit. But she just admitted that being around people with the same diagnosis didn’t help her brother. It even made him worse.

“I kind of made him go to a professional rehab programme after his physical recovery was mostly done. It was all about how to get a job or get into school and of course still how to adapt your life to your impairment and other stuff. But there were a bunch of people with different struggles and different restrictions. People with physical impairments, neurological damage or even mental illnesses”, she explained calmly. “Granted it still took some time. And it was not solely the group sessions there that made him better. It wasn’t even the single therapy session. And it wasn’t our emotional late-night talks either. Most of it was his own fucking work. There was shit he had to get over. Shit he had to accept and decide what he wanted to do with this life he still had.”

Now Ian was totally lost. What the hell did she want to tell him? He was already fucking working on it! He took his fucking meds every single fucking day! He already knew recovery was a fucking nightmare! Was she messing with him?

“What’s the point of this fucking story?”, he asked a little indignantly. He was tired of wondering about her motives. So, he might as well just fucking ask. The only problem might be her disinterest in answers and her strange fascination for questions.

“My point is that recovery is no fucking single ride. You can’t do it alone. It is not fucking easy to ask for help or even just to accept it. I know that, ok?”, she said in a controlled but still somehow incredibly intense tone. “Recovery is a shit ton of work. And the worst thing is that you are never truly done. It follows you your whole life. But it gets easier when you don’t have to do it alone. Family support is important. Your friends are really fucking important. The rehab staff, therapists, doctors, social workers are really fucking important. But sometimes they still don’t quite cut it!”

She grabbed a piece of paper from the kitchen counter and pen that had been laying around there and scribbled something on it. Then she turned around and carried on in a calmer voice though it was no less controlled: “Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone who had been there. Who knows how fucking hard it all is. Who doesn’t cry for you but with you. Because none of the help takes away that burden. It makes it easier but it is still you who has to deal with it all. It is you who has to do the work!”

She pushed the note against his chest and said in a firm, somehow warm voice: “So, it is you who has to make the choices.”

And then she marched out of their apartment as naturally as she had walked in.

_______________________

It was a phone number.

The thing she scribbled on the piece of paper she basically forced him to take during her epic departure. Her handwriting looked like shit. At first, he couldn’t really see anything more than weird squiggly lines but the longer he kept staring at it the lines finally started to make sense.

He thought about just throwing it away. Throw it in the trash and destroying every evidence of the weird visit. Acting like there never was a strange hard-headed girl in his kitchen who made him question everything in what was probably not even an hour.

But he somehow, he couldn’t. He had tried but he had fished it out of the trash can every time. Then he carried it around for a week. Without looking at it but also always aware that it was there. Feeling the weight of the piece of paper in his pocket.

It took him another week to tell Mickey about it. He considered not to tell him at all. He didn’t even know what the stupid phone number was for. Could be a dead end and then he had riled up Mickey for nothing. He was almost content with keeping this whole visit to himself just like his husband obviously did for the past year or so. Bu then he remembered her first question. _Has that stubborn idiot you married finally learned to listen a little better?_

The thing was, lately Mickey actually made a fucking effort to listen. Ian could tell that he felt out of his depth sometimes. And sometimes he needed a slight nudge to understand his own behaviour and feelings better. But he was honestly trying. You could see it in the little things. By remembering that Ian went to the clinic today and just hugging him tightly before. Or when Ian came home after a ten-hour shift to a readily laid out table and a meal although Mickey was by no means a cook. Even when he just existed in silence next to him while he was brooding about something and waited for the next day when they were both able to listen to Mickey’s whispered worries.

To be fair Mickey hadn’t told him about his run-ins with this mystery woman either. So, he shouldn’t feel obligated to run to him about that weird phone number she left him. But Mickey tried. She had apparently told him to listen better. And now his husband actually tried to listen. And now she had come to him and told him that he shouldn’t try to deal with his disorder alone. As if she just had to look at him to see that he was somehow still in denial.

Mickey had listened to her. And nobody was forcing him to talk to his husband. But he knew he couldn’t call that number alone. If he wanted to heed that woman’s advice, he had to tell Mickey. (Besides, it would have been pretty hypocritical if he wanted to heed her advice but not even give Mickey the chance to help him through it. She made that fucking clear with her whole speech about not doing it alone.)

So, he just blurted it out one day when they were both lying comfortably cuddled up in bed together.

“I met your weird friend a few weeks ago”, he said.

“Oh yeah?”, Mickey asked tiredly squeezing the arms that were wrapped tightly around him. “Gotta be a little more specific, Gallagher. Got plenty of fuckers who would match that description”

Ian chuckled a little but couldn’t really appreciate the humour with the tight lump that was forming in his throat. Maybe if he didn’t tell Mickey he could just pretend the whole visit never happened. And all the things she said to him would then just magically disappear and couldn’t bother him anymore. But then he remembered the damned piece of paper in his night stand.

“The one that asked the hard questions”, Ian clarified nervously while anxiously anticipating his husband’s reaction.

Mickey was now fully awake again and immediately turned around in his husband’s arms. “That bitch?”, he frowned deeply probably wondering if he should have told Ian about her and if he was now mad or something. So, Ian just tightened his hold on Mickey to reassure him that it was ok.

(Yeah, he might have liked a head’s up that there was some kind of annoying fucking mystery woman randomly bothering their family. But he probably wouldn’t have believed him or just have been worried sick that some stranger was occasionally stalking his husband. So, he didn’t really blame Mickey. It was fucking hard to explain.)

“How the hell did you meet her? “, Mickey asked now a bit calmer.

Ian shrugged not sure if it counted as meeting somebody when they just basically break into your kitchen and making you question your life choices without even hesitating. So, he settled for: “She was at the door and kinda let herself in.”

Mickey laughed and laid his head on Ian’s shoulder mumbling: “Sounds like her.”

Ian was silent for while not sure how to continue this conversation. Maybe this whole thing was so hard for him because the mystery woman was at least partially right. He had gotten a lot fucking better at not snapping at everybody that asked him about his meds. Or telling Mickey when he felt a swing coming and not waiting until it was already there.

But he was still damn proud and didn’t want to be some kind of invalid that had to be cared for. And since he had broken up with Mickey that first time because he didn’t want him to be his nurse the other man had gotten very careful with everything concerning Ian’s diagnosis.

Among all the things they talked about. And all the things they had gotten better at. Dealing with Ian’s disorder wasn’t exactly one of them. It was something Ian mostly did on his own. Most of it was stuff only he himself could deal with. And Mickey helped in the capacity that he could and that he was allowed to.

“What did she tell you?”, Mickey asked after a while. “So far she basically threatened me into listening better and told, and called me out on my stupid ass coping mechanisms”

He said it conversationally as if it wasn’t a big deal. But Ian could sense that the woman had thrown his husband of his scent every time she came to haunt him as she had Ian. And by making himself vulnerable and telling Ian the things she had called him out on to make it easier for Ian to talk to him about his own encounter with her. It warmed Ian’s heart.

“She basically told me that it would never be fucking over”, Ian almost whispered and pulled his husband closer against his chest. “The disorder. The adjustment. I will always somehow have to deal with it” He trailed off the feeling in his chest growing heavier only being slightly soothed by Mickey fingers slowly stroking through his hair.

After a few minutes he swallowed down the lump in his throat and continued: “She said I couldn’t do it alone. Or it least I didn’t have to. I have to do most of the work anyway so there is no fucking point in not accepting help.”

Mickey slid his arms around him and buried his head in his chest holding Ian close to him until his breathing calmed down a little. Then he chuckled slightly and said: “Can’t believe I actually fucking agree with that asshole for once.”

There were so many words that were left unspoken because neither of them needed to hear them. They both knew that whatever it was none of them had to go through it alone again. That they were family and there was nothing in this world that they wouldn’t take on together. If it was _Vladimir-Putin-homophobia_ or a mental disorder.

Ian pulled Mickey even closer to his chest and buried his head in his shoulder breathing in his scent for a minute before he said: “She said sometimes you need to hear it from somebody who has been through it themselves. Because everything sometimes just doesn’t cut it…”

Mickey lifted his head again and looked him intensely in the eyes. “Are you worried that…” He didn’t finish his question but Ian didn’t need him to. He shook his head firmly.

“No. Not really. But she kind of has a point you know? I am still struggling with it. Fuck, I couldn’t sign the damn marriage license because of it. Sometimes…”

He couldn’t continue. There were suddenly tears running down his cheeks silently pleading Mickey to understand and not pressure him into answering. He didn’t know if he could take it.

Thankfully Mickey just held him closer and buried his face in his chest again. Reassuring his husband that he wasn’t going anywhere. Patiently waiting until Ian calmed down again and loosened his hold on him again before he spoke again: “She told me being happy is hard work once.”

His voice was nothing more than a whisper and he still had his face deeply buried in Ian’s chest. But he still went on. “First I didn’t get it. Thought it was some sappy ass bullshit. But… I don’t know… She said life was still beautiful even when you felt like it was going all to shit. The hard thing is not to let the good thing be overshadowed by the bad”

Mickey stayed silent for a while and then lifted his head and looked Ian in the eyes again. “She’s a crazy bitch. And at first I had written it off as … some bull shit some nutjob stalker told me…”

He shrugged and almost seemed apologetically when he continued: “But she was kind of right, y’know? You still smiled at me the same if I had a bad day at work or a good day. The sun still shines even when I feel like punching that smile of your face… and all that shit”

Ian could see that Mickey was pretty unsatisfied with his own explanation. He never has been and probably never will be a man of big words and Ian had learned to live with that a long fucking time ago. He didn’t need words from his favourite Milkovich to understand him.

So, he helped him out: “We still had a beautiful wedding even though your dad burned down our venue…”

Mickey smiled warmly at him. “Exactly!”, he exclaimed. “I am still not really sure if I like her or anything... but she was kind of right. It is stupidly hard and most days I don’t remember shit. But … that’s when I started thinking that she might not be full of shit…”

Ian smiled at him too now and hugged him tightly again. He was actually feeling better now. Whatever he decided to do now, he wouldn’t have to do it alone. And that reassured him more than any soft-spoken words ever could.

“She gave me a phone number”, he whispered against Mickey’s shoulder feeling a lot calmer about it than he had the entire time since he received it. “I think it might be some kind of self-help shit. Don’t know if I should call it…”

Mickey didn’t answer him. Just stroked his fingers through his hair and existed with him in this moment. He didn’t need to say anything. He knew it wasn’t really his decision to make. And it wasn’t really a decision they had to make now so he could afford the luxury of just lying next to his husband and being there for him. Whatever the future may bring.

“I gotta say she is probably the weirdest friend you have”, Ian chuckled after a while.

That actually made Mickey laugh out loud and he replied: “You bet! You know, the first time I met her she pressed a knife against my throat!”


	3. Charming Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I seem to be a liar or just a damn good procrastinator. You choose. Also, I miscalculated. I wanted to wrap this all up in the third chapter but it got away with me. It just got way to long. So, you have one more chapter to look forward to.  
> And this one kind of different. There is a lot new information about this mystery woman. And we get to meet her brother. 
> 
> I proudly claim all the mistakes in this chapter.

“Hey! Didn’t expect to see you here!”

The voice suddenly appeared behind him and startled him. He whirled around ready to defend himself while some other part of his brain told him that nobody would actually attack him here, out in the open in some kind of outpatient nuthouse centre. (It was a rehab centre and Mickey actually kind of knew that. He just didn’t really get the difference.)

It was the guy in the wheelchair he met now almost a year ago that was now coming straight towards him, smiling amicably. He seemed actually glad to see him which made Mickey feel a little uneasy. He just wasn’t used to it. Normally people were afraid of him or at least annoyed by him. So far in his life very few people actually wanted to be near him without some ulterior motive (namely Ian and Mandy). Never some casual acquaintance he hadn’t seen in months.

As the guy was directly in front of him, Mickey suddenly realised that he completely forgot the guy’s name. It was something with an _A,_ right? Maybe _Alex_ or _Adam_? Damn it! He just couldn’t remember.

He softly smiled at him again before he asked interestedly: "What are you doing here?”

At this point Mickey just hoped the guy would go away fast so he could get away with forgetting the name. (He wanted to see Ian anyway and couldn’t care less about that guy right now. Even though he somehow liked him and felt some kind of bond with him. Maybe over their shared suffering back when they first met. Not that he would ever say any of that out loud.)

So, he pressed out a quick answer in hopes the guy wouldn’t ask too many questions. “Ahhh, yeah. I … I’m just... I’m just giving my husband a ride home”, he ended up saying. (Internally cursing himself. Yeah, that went over smoothly.)

(They ended up calling the phone number that guy’s crazy sister gave them. It was for some hotline of a coordination centre for mental health resources. Ian had talked to them for quite a while actually, discussing different counselling options and which were accessible for him. They ended up directing them to this rehab centre that was hosting a bunch of different self-help groups on the side and even set him up with medical aid to cover his expenses and regular therapy sessions.)

(Mickey thought it was a scam at first. He didn’t trust people easily. Especially people who just wanted to help them. In his world nobody ever just looked out for them for the sake of being a good person or some shit. Ian was quite blown away by this, too. But he was way more trusting than Mickey. Maybe because he dated that social worker once. Or because Ian in general also liked helping others. And it turned out he was right. It was actually just some charity with way too much money to throw around.)

“So, you guys still ok?”, he asked conversationally, thankfully not asking why Ian was here. (If he thought about it, he might have remembered that he already told the guy about Ian’s diagnosis in his drunken haze the first night they met. But right now, his mind was otherwise occupied.)

“Didn’t your crazy ass sister tell you?”, he asked raising an eyebrow. She was the one on his ass about not marrying Ian for the wrong reasons and all that communication crap. In Mickey’s opinion that bitch might know better than himself by now.

The guy (Aaron? - Nahh...) just shrugged not really giving away anything. “She kind of told me she was still checking up on you but nothing further. She believes in privacy”, he said unimpressed by Mickey’s hostility. Then he chuckled mostly to himself and added: “At least until she doesn’t.”

Mickey actually had to laugh at that. It was not like he couldn’t relate to having some kind of flexible moral compass. Maybe that’s why he somehow even tolerated the girls notorious surprise visits. Or it was how neither she nor her brother seemed too bothered by his feigned annoyance or blatant hostility. They almost seemed used to it or even underwhelmed. Like they had dealt with much worse shit than his crippled people skills.

He hesitated to ask because he wasn’t exactly sure if he really wanted to know. But his curiosity (which he didn’t even know he had) somehow got the better of him so he actually inquired: “You... You two have been through some shit, right?”

The guy laughed honestly and countered: “No shit, Sherlock. I am sitting in a wheelchair for fun!” But he got serious again before Mickey could roll his eyes at him. “Yeah… I think everyone has… at least in some way”, he offered thoughtfully. “Our trauma probably just overlaps a little.”

Mickey raised his eyebrow so high it almost slid accidentally off his face. Was this guy actually kidding him? That’s all it was between the two _somehow not really just almost_ siblings? Just a bunch of shared damaging experiences? That’s all he was gonna say to that?

(Not that Mickey was in anyway entitled to knowing that. He was just curious and after spilling his own heartache to the guy that wretched night and basically being stalked by the guy’s very persistent sister he somehow wanted to even the grounds. He wanted to know more than just the basics.)

“Overlapping trauma?”, he contradicted doubtfully. “That’s it? Really? I thought you were closer than that…”

The guy visibly flinched this time and Mickey couldn’t help but somehow feeling a little proud of himself. So far, the siblings never reacted in any way impressed by his questions or even shot a quick sarcastic comment back at him. And that had just been confirmation that he actually could elicit some kind of reaction out of them.

He shrugged a little before he replied silently: “We are family. We weren’t exactly always supposed to be. We definitely don’t know every little detail about each other…” He let out a sad laugh as he continued: “Hell, I think Lilli lives as much of her secrets as she does of throwing knives and breathing…”

(Her name was _Lilli_? Actually, he probably should have known this. He was pretty sure the guy had called her that before. Maybe he just wasn’t really listening back then. Nobody could really blame him with the whole _knife-against-his-throat_ thing. He didn’t think he would ever get over that particular fact.)

“Seriously? Thought that bitch is too honest for her own good!”, he countered. He was a little surprised by this confession. Of course, he hadn’t known her name until literally a few minutes ago. But that was probably more his own memories fault. She had always just easily talked about how her life hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. How she never had any problem admitting that she was still not entirely good. That she was still working on it. He never had pegged her for someone with a lot of secrets.

The guy (Anthony? - probably not) huffed. It would be nice if he could somehow slip in his own name in the conversation next time. Just as he had just done with his sister’s.

“She is pretty damn honest”, the guy (Ashton? - What the hell kind of name was that?) agreed. “Doesn’t mean she trusts easily. She is an expert at being brutally honest and still keeping most of her life to herself. Hell, most of the time I don’t even know where she is. She probably thinks she’s protecting me. That’s what she has always done. Protecting people.”

Mickey looked at him incredulously. That guy was totally cool with not knowing where his sister was half the time? He hadn’t known exactly where Mandy was for years now and it was still driving him crazy when he allowed himself to think about it for too long.

(He should try to find her again. They couldn’t find her to invite her for their wedding. And it had really irked him that his sister wasn’t there with him the second time around. But fuck… it was also hella short-notice. So now with time on their hand. Maybe they could look for her again.)

The other dude probably noticed his discomfort with that answer and tried to explain: “It’s not always easy, for sure! But we trust each other and help each other with the things we are comfortable with telling each other. We are just there for each other. Listening when needed and not asking to many questions while trusting that we still get to hear the important shit in due time…”

It sounded so easy the way that guy (Aiden?) explained it. But Mickey suspected it was far from easy. Someone who just carried around a knife on the regular at least never really felt safe. Mickey knew because he once was one of these people. So, it was pretty incredible to him that that guy (Alan?) just trusted his sister enough to keep all these secrets and to still be safe when she didn’t really believe it herself.

“Did she ever tell you why she’s doing all that? Essentially stalking us?”, he asked thoughtfully. Lilli (which was apparently her name) once mentioned that she intended to help. When he looked at his surroundings, he had to admit that she was at least partially successful.

The guy laughed again. “She told you that herself”, he stated matter-of-factly not being deterred by his confused look. “Don’t you remember? That night she told you she would be checking if you kept your promise. And she obviously thought you needed a little more incentive in keeping it.”

“What are you talking about?” Suddenly Ian had appeared behind them, frowning at the last piece of conversation the just caught.

The guy smiled reassuringly at his husband and stretched out his arm to Ian in greeting. “Sorry. Don’t worry it’s not as bad as it sounds. I am Andy by the way.”

Ian smiled politely and shook the guy’s ( _Andy’s_ \- Mickey was kind of proud that he at least got the first letter right) hand.

“I think we met before, right? You are that guy Mickey met on a drunk night out while we were figuring some shit out. The brother of that crazy bitch that visits us from time to time, right?”, he inquired and Mickey could clearly hear how hard he was trying not to sound too judgy.

But Ian still couldn’t help himself to haltingly ask: “So what does Mickey apparently need incentive for?”

Mickey laughed and laid a calming hand on his husband’s shoulder. Ian was in full-on protective-husband-mode which was honestly pretty hot but also totally uncalled for in this situation. “Don’t worry about it. I just asked why his crazy sister comes stalking us”, he said reassuringly. “He thinks she is just checking if I actually work on my communication skills or not.”

Ian smiled a little easier but still raised an eyebrow. “That’s really the only reason? I mean then she wouldn’t have had to ambush me that time…”, he provided doubtfully.

Mickey shrugged. Ian’s got a point.

Andy laughed and raised his hands in defeat. “The hell do I know. As we discussed earlier, she loves her secrets.”

Then he was silent for a while obviously struggling with himself if he should say what was on his mind or not. Mickey said nothing. Because saying anything would probably just make the guy back down again. And he somehow actually wanted to know what he was about to say.

“The way I see it…”, he began turning away from them for a little. Still pretty unsure what he could reveal to them. “She didn’t have it easy growing up. A lot of the time she felt trapped...I think. She wasn’t exactly born to be a fighter but she grew up to be one.”

He turned back towards them and gave them a look as if to say _I will fight you to the death if you use any of that to hurt her_ but still his voice sounded soft and caring when he continued: “I think she had a lot of guardian angels in her life. She maybe only realised it way later...but now she is trying to give back. She is still Lilli though. So, she tries to be a guardian angel herself in the capacity that she can…”

He laughed a little and the joking tone returned to his voice when he concluded: “And the best way she can seems to be annoying the shit out of the two of you”

They all laughed at that but Mickey actually felt like he understood his weird stalker a little better now.

* * *

Mickey felt a little weird the next time Lilli came around to haunt them. He suddenly knew a lot more about her but didn’t know if she knew that he knew. It was a feeling he wasn’t used to yet. He never before felt guilty for sticking his nose in somebody else’s business. (Granted so far, he never really cared to unless it somehow directly affected him or that somebody else turned out to be Ian.)

But now he was almost afraid of slipping up and revealing that he knew now that she might think of them as her charity case or some shit. At the same time, he was kinda pissed to be somebody’s charity case. And he kind of had to keep himself from screaming at her. He was a fucking Milkovich. He didn’t take any handouts!

(But he thought it wouldn’t really keep her from trying to help them. She would probably just raise an eyebrow and continue her incessant strange questioning. So, he just kept his mouth shut.)

The next time they saw her she was just sitting on a bench looking at them as if she was actually waiting for them to reach her. Even though there was no way she could have known that exactly on this day Ian would talk Mickey into taking a walk past exactly that run-down bench.

(That was probably why she was so good at keeping secrets. She had a perfect poker face.)

Mickey noticed how his steps were slowing down but not stopping. It was like his body knew he would stop at this bench as soon as he noticed her but he refused to do it out of his own free will. It was a little like he was daring her to stop him with some kind of silly question.

Ian didn’t notice her. He was too busy smiling of in the distance and savouring the moment where he could just take a walk with his husband gently stroking Mickey’s shoulder from time to time without him flinching away.

That’s why his husband jumped when she didn't disappoint and posed one of her awfully intrusive questions seemingly out of the blue. “Do you hate your parents?”, she queried them so calmly and nonchalantly every bystander would have thought she just asked about the weather. (That’s probably the thing that confused Mickey the most about her. How could she just blurt these things out as if it wasn’t an incredibly bold question.)

“Woahh!”, Ian exclaimed and stumbled a few steps back. “I didn’t even see you there! What the hell!”

Mickey didn't say anything. He is way more used to her sneak-attacks than Ian by now. And he knows she doesn’t really care for small talk or any other normal way to start a fucking conversation. Commenting was nothing more than wasting your breath.

“Are you gonna fucking sit there or can you actually put these things to use?”, he counters rudely only turning his head slightly to meet her gaze. He doesn’t know why but he feels better walking and talking then being stationary. (Maybe some of her questions make him want to run away. And he is still not good at staying when his body screams at him to fucking make a run for it.)

Thankfully she doesn't complain or even comment on it. She just chuckled and fell into step next to him easily which really made Mickey feel a lot more comfortable.

Ian on the other hand kept staring at the two people who were now walking away from him. It took him a little to get over the shock of Lilli’s sudden appearance until he runs to catch up to them and gently touches Mickey’s shoulder again before falling into step next to them. Mickey has to smile. At first, he would have reacted like that as well. Maybe he already got used to Lilli’s surprise visits.

Ian was still awfully tense. The question probably still wreaking havoc in his head. Mickey knew that Ian’s relationship with his parents was … complicated. His husband could never truly hate his mother no matter what she did. At least not consistently. He hated her from time to time but he always went back to loving her. And Frank… Mickey wasn’t really sure how Ian felt about him. He didn’t want him to kill him back when the bastard caught them… But did that mean he cared about him in some way.

Their stalker hadn’t said a word since they continued walking. She didn’t even deign them with a look. It surprised Mickey even though he knew that she didn’t really care for answers. Normally she was never this silent. Maybe she wanted them to have time to think.

So, he thought about his own parents. Terry was a fucking bastard who did nothing but make his life miserable. He would admit any time of the day to hating that asshole. But some part of him also wanted him to acknowledge that he was doing good. That he had a good, happy life. That he was not a fucking failure. Even though Terry never was any kind of father to him he still sometimes wished he could be. And his mom… She walked out on them when he was still a kid. He never truly forgave her for that. Maybe he never would.

“Maybe you can hate somebody and love them at the same time”, he whispered when they had to stop at a traffic light and all the cars whizzed by them hoping they wouldn’t hear him. He didn’t know why he said it and he didn’t really want to explore that.

It might not have been an entirely awful idea because Ian grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly and he could feel some of the tension rolling of his shoulders. Lilli on his other side just kept on staring ahead and didn’t react.

“I think you can be bad at caring”, she said quietly after they had crossed the street. “Like you love somebody and you still fuck everything up. Because you don’t know what to do. Maybe caring is something you have to learn…”

He thought about the early years of their relationship and now it was his turn to squeeze Ian’s hand tightly. There could be some truth to that…. Or how Terry still hadn’t actually killed him even though he could have if he really wanted to. But with Terry you never knew. Maybe he just didn’t want to go down for killing his own son.

“Maybe some people never learn how to really care…”, Ian considered. He probably thought about Frank or Terry or maybe even Monica. They all were notoriously bad at caring for their children… or about anything that wasn’t their own good.

“God, I hope that’s not true”, Lilli exclaimed with a huff but her voice sounded almost tearful when she quietly added: “But you are probably right.”

She stopped at a street corner and looked up to the sky almost as if she was hoping to find answers there. That was different than last time. She had once stated that she didn’t care about answers but the other times she had visited it always seemed like she had at least some idea what they were gonna be. Something she thought he would benefit from realising or whatever. But not right now.

“I had it both ways, you know?”, she told them as she was still standing there somehow lost on the street corner. Then suddenly the sad expression on her face disappeared and she stepped forward with new energy and continued to walk alongside them.

“I had people be bad at caring about me and I was… maybe still am bad at caring about other people sometimes. And I keep thinking…”, she resumed her explanation in her typical confident voice. “What is the worth of it? Like… What does love mean if the people it is directed at never get to feel it?”

Mickey didn’t say anything. He got what she was saying. In his life there were definitely people who were fucking horrible at caring for him. And he wasn’t really good at it in the beginning, either. But he never really thought that much about it. He just hated the people he thought did him wrong and tried to love the people he cared about better now.

She didn’t really need his input anyway. Perhaps she just wanted to tell somebody and didn’t really care how much they were listening. “Maybe there is some _point of no return_. When you go past it doesn’t matter anymore. You can’t turn around then”, Lilli just went on without checking if they were still following her. “It might still be caring. Might even be love … But then it’s rotten and toxic. And just hurts everybody affected by it.”

Her voice got quiet and her gaze turned to the ground when she spoke the next words under her breath: “I just don’t know how to know when you reached the point… when is it still worth to try to save the bad love? And when is it too spoiled and all you can do is throw it away…”

Ian reached out to her but changed his mind in the last second before he could actually touch her. (Probably wise. From Mickey’s experience she was not that comfortable with touching either.)

“Which love do you want to save? The bad one people have for you or your own fucked up one?”, he asked sounding really unsure if it was actually a good idea to even open his mouth. Might have been better to just let her get it out of her system without interfering.

Lilli didn’t blow up at him. That meant she wasn’t angry. But at this point Mickey doubted she actually could. She just laughed and then answered honestly: “I don’t really know. On the one hand, I suffered through some toxic love. So much that I don’t actually know if it’s more abuse or hate or disdain that hides the caring. And on the other hand, I feel guilty for the times I was an idiot and fucked it all up. And in some cases, I kind of think it might be too late.”

She turned back around at them and smiled the saddest smile Mickey had ever seen. He almost hoped she would look away again because he just couldn’t deal with all that emotion crap right now.

Ian nodded as if he agreed. Perhaps he thought about Monica and how he could never fix this relationship. Probably not even if she was still alive.

Seemingly out of the blue she waved them goodbye and disappeared around a corner in seconds. And they were left there dumbstruck. (By now, Mickey thought they should actually be used to her disappearing act.)

* * *

"My mom had a similar thing", she told him calmly, but smiled at him rather uncertainly. Mickey just raised an eyebrow still trying to catch his breath.

She had caught him at the worst time (or maybe the best - the jury was still out on that.) He and Ian had just met this social worker Ian used to date. Mickey didn’t really know what it was about. Something about the former “gay Jesus” talking to some kids about mental health or some shit. The conversation got off track anyway.

The social worker guy really liked his work and actually seemed to want to help those kids. He started telling them about some of the kids he worked with. In particular he recounted the story of a young girl whose parents beat on her for being gay until she couldn’t take it anymore and ran away, landing herself on the street. At the mercy of all kinds of perverts. The guy had described some scars he had seen on the girl that clearly horrified him even though he probably already saw a lot of shit in his field of work.

Mickey didn’t know what it was but suddenly he couldn’t really breathe anymore and all of him screamed at him desperately to get out of there because it was dangerous and he was going to cry… Nobody could see him cry because he wasn’t actually allowed to and he just had to get out of there. He had to get out.

Lilli found him as soon as he had left the building. She then forced him to look her in the eyes and explained that he should focus on her breathing and try to mimic it. But he just couldn’t do anything. It was like some other force had overtaken his body. So, she just grabbed him firmly at his shoulders and said authoritatively: “Look at the sky! Do you see the clouds? They are just flying around up there. And can you see? The sun is still shining. The air is really cold. I kind of like it when I can feel the cold of the air when I breath, don’t you?”

She didn’t stop until his breathing calmed down enough to be considered normal. Only then did she take her hands from his shoulders and took a step back. She gave him space for whatever reason but he was kind of glad she did. He also appreciated that she still looked at him like she always did. Like he was about to uncover a secret and she wanted a front-row seat when he finally got it. Normally it kind of pissed him off but now he was glad that witnessing his freak out didn’t seem to have changed how she thought about him. Maybe she already knew how fucked up he was.

“What thing?”, he asked when he finally thought he could speak again without passing out.

She shrugged. “The trauma thing and the anxiety”, she replied casually. As if it was no big deal to not so subtly imply that he had fucked up shit happen to him that caused him to freak out. As if it was not a secret. It almost made him freak out again. It made him feel like an idiot. Like he was weak. Which has always been the worst thing he could possibly be.

But he didn’t get a chance to rant about not being a nutcase because she smiled at him sadly and stated matter-of-factly: “Maybe Ian’s not the only one who should use that phone number.”

“The fuck are you saying?”, he asked alarmed but Lilli had already turned around and walked away from him.

The next moment Ian was next to him. He probably ran after him when he realised, he was freaking out. Now he was desperately checking him over and wanted to know if everything was ok. Although Mickey assured him that he was truly fine Ian only stopped fussing when they were back in their little safe apartment. He hugged him like he would never let him go. And Mickey slowly started to feel safe and warm again.

______________

He didn’t have to wait long to see her again. It was later that night. In the middle of the night to be exact. Mickey couldn’t really sleep. He still wasn’t quite sure what happened today. Ian hadn’t pressured him to talk about it. But Mickey still couldn’t sleep. So, when he was sure that Ian was fast asleep, he got back up and went into the kitchen to get a beer. And there she was sitting on their kitchen table like there was nothing weird about just appearing in other people's houses.

“Holy shit!”, he jumped when he saw her. “How the hell did you get in?”

As usual she wasn’t at all impressed with his exasperated tone. She just stared at him interested as if she was searching for something in his face.

“You didn’t call, did you”, she stated in lieu of an actual answer.

Mickey sighed theatrically. It was in the middle of the night. Was she really going to start shit now? He gave her his best _I’m so done with your shit_ \- look and said with frustration: “Has anybody ever told you that’s not a fucking normal thing to do? Just showing up in the middle of the night?”

She just chuckled and shrugged. “It’s ok if you need time to think about it. But at least consider it, ok?”, she just ignored his protest.

Mickey sighed again and turned around to finally get a beer from the fridge while Lilli continued: “You are allowed to not be over it you know? It might have been a long time ago. Or it might have been your fucking decision or some other shit we like to tell ourselves. But we are still allowed to be fucked up about it.”

He huffed mockingly. “Oh yeahh?”, he taunted. “Who taught you all these fucking clichés?”

Lilli just looked at him stone-faced, not even considering to fall for his bullshit. It was like she could always see right through all of his defences. At first it almost drove him crazy. Now he was already a little used to it.

“I am not telling you about clichés. I tell you about the things I thought. About the things that threatened to ruin me once”, she explained factually without raising an eyebrow. “And I needed somebody to tell me that there is no should in feelings. You feel. You can’t always change that. But what you can change is how you deal with them”

They were silent for a while and Mickey wondered how she managed to not get ruined by the shit she has been through. Because she had always been very vague about it but he was sure that her pile of shit could potentially compare to his own pile of shit. Even though it might look very different from the outside.

"Is it hard to love Ian?", she suddenly asked and this time she sounded almost apprehensively. As she felt out of her depth asking this question. Which was weird because she had no qualms about asking all the other intrusive questions that came to mind.

Now it was Mickey’s turn to shrug. To be honest he didn’t know how the answer that. Loving Ian had hurt sometimes. It had hurt worse than everything else in his life. Even worse than when their mom walked out on them. But it never felt like he had a choice. He couldn’t just stop loving Ian. It was just something he did no questions asked. Even if it would kill him. He would still love Ian.

“It’s easier since he’s gotten better at letting himself be loved…”, he settled on saying eventually. Which was the truth. Right now, loving Ian was the easiest it has ever been.

She nodded slightly as if she knew exactly what he meant by that. “What about you? Are you good at letting yourself be loved?”, she asked then and Mickey has never been so grateful that she didn’t care for answers. Because even if he knew how to answer that he didn’t want to say it.

So, he just kept silent and took a huge gulp of his beer which prompted her next question.

“How about your coping mechanisms? Thought about adapting some new ones?”, she continued to interrogate him with a smirk on her lips. (Mickey briefly wondered how Andy could put up with her.)

“Fuck off!”, he reproached annoyed and flipped her off.

She raised her arms in defence. “Just saying. You had an emotional stirring day and can’t sleep… so you decide to have a beer in the middle of the night? Sounds healthy to me”, she mocked him further.

He groaned in defeat. “Haven’t really been angry recently…”, he countered.

She just raised an eyebrow in disbelief before she slyly commented: “Coping mechanisms are not just for anger.”

“Fuck off!”, he almost yelled at her but remembered that his husband was asleep in the other room. He was getting fed up with her shit now. “Why do you care? It’s not like we are actual friends or something. Your just some random chick who keeps stalking me. I can deal just fine without you!”

“What’s your point?”, she challenged him not too distraught about his sudden outburst. “Are you in therapy?”

“What the hell?”, he proclaimed confused. “Fuck no!”

She smirked as he said that and slyly concluded: “So, you have no excuse not to listen to me.”

Mickey was dumbfounded. And then he laughed because it was a fucking clever move and he had nothing to say to that. She was kinda right. After a few seconds she joined in on his laughter and they sat laughing together in their kitchen for a while until their laughter slowly died down and the silence returned.

“If you still need time to figure out that you might actually benefit from a proper shrink and not just random conversations with a stubborn stranger…”, she broke the silence and searched for something in her pockets. Then she held out a fancy looking business card and when he made no move to take it from her, she just laid it on the table.

"At least give this a try”, she offered again. “If you wanna avoid me, I'm gonna teach a course there next week on Saturday. So, you'll be safe any other day"

And then she got up and climbed out the window. Now Mickey smirked. So, that’s how she got in.

____________________

The business card led him to some kind of MMA gym. (At least that’s what Mickey thought that it was. He never been inside an actual gym before and there were a lot of idiots running around in weird ass clothes practising some weird ass moves. So, he assumed it was some idiotic place for people who didn’t appreciate not being beat up every day anyways to fight each other.)

He didn’t get far before an older looking dude approached him with a gentle smile which made Mickey feel highly uncomfortable. (He had almost turned around again at least three times. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was still here. Maybe some part of him thought he somehow owed it to Lilli.)

“Hi! Can I help you? You are new, right?”, asked the dude politely.

Mickey coughed and forced himself to not look as lost as he felt. “Ahh, yeah... It was recommended to me…”, he mumbled while checking for the nearest exit again.

The other guy either didn’t notice his obvious discomfort or blatantly ignored it. He frowned at him for a minute but then his face suddenly lit up. “You must be Mickey!”, he exclaimed radiant with joy. “Jenna mentioned that you might show up! I’m Jake, a trainer here. Come, I’ll show you around!”

And Mickey was just grabbed by the shoulder and no choice but to follow the guy around the gym. Jake showed him all the training rooms as well as the changing rooms and the showers and explained the different martial arts they taught here. “It’s mostly Jiu Jitsu”, he explained smiling. (Did this guy not have an off button? Why was he so goddamn happy and excited all the time? Did he never run out of energy?) “But we do other Budo stuff, too. And a little bit of MMA but not the real brutal stuff”, Jake continued as if Mickey had any idea what all these words were supposed to mean. (Mickey didn’t say a word. He suspected that asking questions would just motivate the guy to talk even more.)

Jake hadn’t mentioned this _Jenna_ again. Mickey had no idea who that was supposed to be and even less clue why she would tell this dude about him. Or how she knew that he would come here. Hell, he hadn’t known that until today.

“So, she mentioned that you might want to start with MMA but in the long run I should get you into Jiu Jitsu and definitely teach you the mindset behind all of it…”, Jake trailed off and Mickey finally felt like you could fit in a question without seeming like an idiot.

“Sorry, who said that?”, he asked rather confused. The only person who could have told that guy anything about him was Lilli. Or maybe Jenna if Lilli had confided in whoever that was supposed to be. (Although Mickey had a hard time believing that Lilli would do that. Yeah, she was a pain in the ass but she loved secrets. He somehow trusted her to keep his, too.)

“Jenna Vogel!”, Jake responded naturally. “The one who taught the advanced methods of self-defence course this weekend. She is kind of a legend around here!”, the guy went on like Mickey should have known that. And then he seemed to remember something and quickly added: “Oh, and don’t worry the membership dues. Jenna already took care of everything!”

Ok. So, this Jenna had taught a course here this weekend. The exact weekend Lilli told him she would be teaching a course here. Mickey frowned. He was almost certain that this Jenna was actually his Lilli. (Nobody else could have tricked him into joining some kind of hippie gym for sure!) He just couldn’t figure out why she would teach self-defence courses under a false name.

He didn’t think he was coming back after that first lesson he was roped into by Jake. (Apparently, he’d done everything wrong his entire life. All he knew was that it had gotten the job done.) Actually, he didn’t return for at least a month. But one day after a particularly awful day at work and whatever Gallagher drama was currently going on when he would have normally hit the Alibi to drown his sorrows in alcohol, he found the business card in one of his pockets again. So, he thought to hell with it! It was already paid anyway. It couldn’t hurt to try again.


	4. Challenging Farewells

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So..... That took forever. It's really long to make up for it though.  
> I am not sure if I wrapped up everything well. I never had the intention to answer all the questions that were raised in this story. And I didn't. But I decided to make up for me taking forever to post this I will post the 13000 word prolog that started this thing for me.  
> Hopefully you enjoy. 
> 
> I proudly claim all the mistakes in this chapter

“I think this Jiu Jitsu shit is good for you”, Ian remarked one evening when they were cuddled up on the couch watching some dumb movie. It was one of those rare days where they could spend their time alone without anybody having to go to work or some other random Gallagher drama arising.

(Ian loved these nights. He felt like he and his husband were in their own little bubble and nothing could even remotely bother them inside. He felt safe there and grounded. Confident that he could handle everything the world would throw at them. It was on nights like this that he voiced thoughts like this. And Mickey probably felt similar because sometimes he gave him answers that weren’t spiked with sarcasm.)

Mickey turned his head and smirked up at him while raising a cocky eyebrow. “Yeah? You like the results?”, he inquired, not so subtly hinting at his defined body and his increased stamina since he attended the regular practice sessions a few months ago. ( _Sometimes_ Ian got answers without any sarcasm. _Sometimes._ )

Ian laughed warmly and ran his fingers softly through Mickey’s hair but shook his head decidedly. “I definitely don’t mind it”, he admitted while planting a gentle kiss on Mickey’s temple. “But no. I like that it makes you… I don’t know… _calmer_ , maybe… Like, you are less angry when come back from practice”, he confessed truthfully and buried it his head in the crook of Mickey’s neck.

(Although, Mickey had gotten a lot better at this _emotional talk thing_ he was still far from good at it. And Ian didn’t want to see the stifled fear in his eyes now. He didn’t want to see how Mickey had to fight to be there fully with him. Right now, he just wanted to enjoy this moment.)

To be honest, Ian had been surprised when Mickey first told him where he was going. The only thing he would have ever seen his husband join was some fight club and not some gym that taught actual fighting techniques and a whole different mindset behind it. (The one time he accompanied Mickey the first thing the instructor had told him was that they were here to train _with_ each other and not to hurt each other. “The goal is to get to know your own movements and how to properly defend yourself. Not to inflict harm on anybody”, he explained calmly smiling at Ian. And Ian had just stood there dumbfounded because that was the first time anybody who could probably knock him on his ass with ease was so freakishly nice and evenly tempered.)

(Secretly, Ian thought that was exactly what Mickey needed. He had fought so many people in his life. He had inflicted so much harm on others and had so much harm inflicted on him. Mickey relished the idea of fighting without hurting. He could get his anger out and learn new things that made him feel safer. But he didn’t have to actively punch somebody.)

Mickey only nodded slightly and shrugged. “Yeah… I kind of helps me deal with … things”, he finally admitted which made Ian smile. Mickey being so open and vulnerable with him always gave him butterflies. Although the former thug would never be exactly _good_ with words him expressing something like this not in a screaming match or through pressed teeth was the most romantic thing he could ever do for Ian.

Ian pulled him closer and kissed his temple again while Mickey sneaked his arm around him and held him tightly. Ian closed his eyes, breathing in the scent he loved so dearly and just enjoyed their closeness and the simplicity of this moment with the movie still on in the background. (Ian hadn’t really paid much attention to it from the beginning and he had a sneaking suspicion that his husband was neither. Even though his eyes were dutifully glued to the screen his head was probably somewhere entirely different.)

"You know… the thing you go to …", Mickey interrupted his thoughts a while later confirming his doubts. His voice was quiet and it sounded like it was physically exhausting for Mickey to actually admit to it. "The shrink thing ...I like that you stopped giving yourself so much shit...", he finally pressed out quickly looking away from him again.

It was a testament to how well Ian knew this man that he understood exactly what he was getting at although Mickey barely managed to make it into a coherent sentence. (He had that problem when he was saying emotional stuff sometimes.) And it was true. Since he went to the mental health centre, he was better with letting people get involved in his treatment. He didn’t feel like they wanted to patronize him anymore and he wasn’t as unsure anymore. When he got first diagnosed it felt like he lost his identity and he was desperately hanging on to what he still knew was himself. People telling him how to handle his disorder felt like they wanted to rip that last part away from him, too. He felt settled and comfortable with who was now. Even when he realised that the disorder would always be a part of him. And that made it easier to share his struggles with his husband. Ian also realised that Mickey didn’t want to tell him what to do or impose any regulations on him because he was sick. Mickey wanted to be involved in his recovery because he didn’t like being a helpless bystander when he saw Ian struggle. He wanted to do everything he could to help him.

"I like that you let me help more….", Mickey surprised him by actually admitting it out loud. He probably still felt pretty uncomfortable with it though because he tried to lean away from Ian and loosened his hold around him.

But Ian saw that coming and quickly grabbed his face to pull him back in and gave him a tender kiss. He caressed his cheek and looked him deep in the eyes in hopes that Mickey would understand that it was never about his ability to take care of Ian or any other shortcomings the black-haired man surely imagined he had. “I love you”, he whispered seriously. Careful to catch every doubt that could flare up in his husbands face so he could reassure it immediately.

But Mickey was never a man who needed a lot of explanations. He didn’t respond, just kissed him deeply and hugged him tighter and soon the two men were engaged in a full on make-out session on the couch with soft confessions of love whispered in between the kisses.

It all would have probably turned into something else if Ian had been able to get a certain thought out of his head and not started laughing almost hysterically.

His husband shoved at him annoyed and gave him the stink eye. "The fuck is wrong with you?", he accused him a little angrily. Ian just continued laughing and gave him what he hoped to be a calming look while stroking his fingers through Mickey’s hair. Then he tried for he the most serious face he could conjure up right now and looked him dead in the eyes as he asked in a serious voice: "Are we ever gonna tell her that she was right?"

At first Mickey gave him a confused and clearly irritated look before he remembered who got Ian into therapy and who recommended that particular gym. And then he laughed too and threw his arms back around his husband. Mickey knew probably even better than Ian that she didn’t need to be told. She probably already knew that her _gentle suggestions_ did well enough for them. So, he gave Ian another kiss and muttered with new found conviction: “Fuck no!”

* * *

It had become something of a habit for Mickey to pick up Ian from his therapy sessions in the mental health centre. At first, he did it because the sessions always took some toll on Ian and he was glad to just fall into his husband’s arms without having to worry how he was gonna get home. And besides, it gave him something to look forward to when they tackled some of the darker issues in the sessions.

But after a while Mickey didn’t just come for him. He started to come around the centre half an hour or so before Ian’s sessions even ended to spend time with Andy. Sometimes he even drove him there and spent the entire time gossiping with the wheelchair user.

The two men had rather unexpectedly become quite good friends. At first, they just ended up talking when Mickey was waiting for Ian but they realised pretty quickly that they liked spending time with each other. Ian would have never seen it coming. It still amazed him how well they got along sometimes because either man was pretty tight-lipped and they both didn’t open up easily. It almost seemed like they had bonded over traumata they didn’t want to talk about. If it was even possible the two men probably bonded over silence.

It was really cute seeing Mickey make a new friend. Mickey wasn’t exactly naturally trusting (which probably had a lot to do with Terry and his upbringing) and he struggled to make friends his entire life. But there was something about Andy that made it easier for him to feel safe. They understood each other’s flaws and quirks better than they wanted to admit. Ian knew the guy had his own set of demons and a past that could probably rival their own in darkness. And maybe that was the reason the two men seemed to have found a kindred spirit in each other and they agreed that it was nothing that needed excessive talking.

So, it didn’t surprise Ian when he saw the both of them sitting on a table in the entrance hall of the mental health centre. What surprised him though and even worried him was the distressed look on Mickey’s face. He was holding a phone to his ear and looked like he wanted to run away but having no idea where to while Andy looked at him frowning.

In a matter of seconds Ian hurried over to his husband, laying a soothing hand on his shoulder and looked at him worriedly. Mickey didn’t even twitch. Ian wasn’t even sure if he noticed him at all. “Everything alright?”, he tried again concerned and only now recognized that it was his phone that Mickey was holding. (He never took it to the sessions with him. His therapist and he agreed on that pretty early on.) But who was calling him that upset his husband so much? An ex, maybe?

He was standing fairly close to Mickey now, crowding in on his space waiting for Mickey to say something. But he didn’t. He just shook his head slightly and mumbled something incomprehensibly. Instead of an answer Ian could hear a way to familiar voice coming from the speakers asking carefully: _“Is that Ian?”_

Ian’s brain stopped working at that. He immediately snatched the phone from his husband without a second thought. His worry instantly redirecting towards the person on the other end of the line. “Mandy?”, he screamed into the phone sounding like he had just run a marathon.

“No reason to fucking yell at me, Jesus!”, she retorted in a much too joyful tone that was so obviously fake. But Ian couldn’t care about jokes right now. He wanted to know where the hell she was and if she was okay and why the fuck she was calling now. There were multiple emotions within him fighting with each other. For so long he had to miss her without many explanations and he couldn’t even reach her when he tried to. And now suddenly she was back. Calling him like the old times. Fuck, she was back. But why? He wasn’t exactly pissed at her but he wasn’t in a benevolent mood either.

“Fuck Mandy!”, he exclaimed frustrated turning away from the other men in a desperate attempt to hide the tears that were filling up in his eyes. Then he added in something that resembled an uncertain whisper: “Why the hell just now?”

He must have sounded more distraught than he planned to because he could feel Mickey taking his free hand in his and squeezing it reassuringly. Andy on the other hand contained himself at the coffee table he and Mickey had been sitting at. He was careful to not impose on them but not leaving all the same. Maybe in case they needed him.

There was a ruffle on the other end of the line but otherwise Mandy stayed silent. She probably felt guilty for not calling earlier. (Ian thought she should, too. A fucking lot had happened since he last saw her.) Or maybe it was just regret. For missed opportunities or the whole life she was born into in Chicago. And neither were emotions that she historically could deal with very well. (Ian wasn’t sure if there were emotions she could handle well. Being out of touch with your own emotions anyway seemed to be a Milkovich birth right.)

“Sorry…”, she whispered after a while, her voice breaking a little bit. “I lost my phone… and with it all my contacts… Just found a note with your phone number…”, she attempted to explain. But it sounded like she knew as well as Ian that nothing could really excuse her failings.

Ian could feel the tears finally slipping down his cheek as he squeezed Mickey’s hand a little tighter. He was still mad at her and he didn’t really get why she dropped off the face of the earth back then. But Mandy was still his best friend. And maybe this was his chance to have her back. So, he decided he could be a bitch about it later.

He swallowed down the lump his throat and wiped away some of the tears. “Yeah…”, he offered with a smile on his lips although he knew that she couldn’t see him. Then he admitted honestly: “I missed you”

There was a sob on the other end but Ian could almost see Mandy smiling when she said: “I fucking missed you, too.” Then they laughed and it already felt like the old times. (Expect that Mickey was now joining in on their laughter and wasn’t too afraid to hold Ian’s hand in public or lay his head on his husband’s shoulder.)

“So….”, Mandy started cheekily. “You got back with my brother?”

Ian laughed a little embarrassed. It was really weird that she didn’t know this and there was probably no really good way of telling her. “Ahh… yeah…”, he started and rubbed his head. “We… kind of… you know...got married…”, he finally admitted and couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. (Ian wasn’t sure if it would ever stop feeling this amazing to say it out loud that this man was his. He hoped it wouldn’t.)

There was a loud crack on the other end and some ruffling before Mandy’s voice reappeared screaming from the speakers: “You did what?”

“Did you just drop the phone?”, Mickey asked disapprovingly and raised an eyebrow. “Seriously, bitch?”

Mandy just laughed and ignored the insult. “Fuck you! Why wasn’t I invited?”, she asked jokingly but Ian could tell she was actually a little pissed about it. (It was not all on her but definitely not all on them either. Although Ian couldn’t really remember if they even put her name on the guest list. At this point the both of them were already so used to her absence.)

Mickey snorted and defended them: “How? Nobody fucking knew where you were!” Mickey obviously had similar thoughts. Then he patted Ian’s shoulders one more time to make sure that he was okay here on his own. “I’m gonna leave you to it!”, he explained as he walked back to Andy.

Ian smiled after him. People might think that Mickey was dense but he knew exactly that Mandy and Ian needed some alone time right now and so he just gave it to them. He was much more perceptive than most people gave him credit for. (Because he was also very good at hiding that behind his gruff exterior and rude nature.)

“So, how have you been?”, he asked a little hesitant. (To be honest, he was a little afraid of her answer. In all the years he had known her she has never been in a really good place. He was afraid to hear how bad it had gotten when he wasn’t there for her.)

“Fine…”, she answered in her typical Mandy Way that didn’t actually tell you anything. He was about to dig deeper when she let out a breath and chuckled a little. “I’m really good right now, actually. I got my GED. I’m taking a few college classes…”

Ian was smiling wider now than he had over the entire day. “That’s really great, Mands!”, he exclaimed. Mandy was actually okay, now. It was amazing. They were all alive and okay. They achieved something his fifteen-year-old self could only dream about.

“Are you happy?”, she interrupted his praises. “Because I know he is my brother but historically he wasn’t always the best thing that happened to you. And fuck! I’m a Milkovich myself! We are a fucking handful! And…”

“We’re working on it…”, he shut down her tirade quickly. “There were a few bumps… But right now … I think it’s the best we’ve ever been. And yeah, we’re really fucking happy!”

That was true. They might not have been the best thing that ever happened to each other. But they loved each other and they wanted to be good for each other. So, they were trying to be. Fighting their demons to be with each other. To take on the world together.

And now they had found Mandy again. (Or maybe it was more Mandy that found them. But who the hell cared about the details?) Ian’s day couldn’t get any better.

___________

Terry was up for parole.

They actually caught him for shooting up their honeymoon and he went back in. (Ian still wasn’t quite sure who made that miracle come true. Things like that normally didn’t work out for them.) It was amazing how much it relaxed Mickey that his father wasn’t around. He was more trusting and not as paranoid. (Which didn’t mean that he wasn’t paranoid. Just not _Terry-Milkovich-is-out-of-prison_ paranoid.)

And now he was about to get parole. Ian had just gotten a call from their PO and was still processing the info himself. He didn’t know what to do. He would have to tell Mickey eventually. But right now, he was just so happy, and Ian didn’t want to ruin it.

Mandy was visiting them in Chicago and the Milkovich siblings were currently sitting in their kitchen drinking beer and teasing each other relentlessly. They had never laughed that much when they were still kids. Certainly not with Terry in the house.

And Ian had the means to let it all come crashing down. He just didn’t want to. And he probably would have stood frozen in that doorway even longer if Lilli hadn’t just appeared miraculously behind him.

“Woahh”, she cried out startled when she entered the kitchen. “Didn’t think I would be interrupting a fucking gathering!” She caught herself again and carried on as always. She headed over to the fridge and stole one of the soda cans they stored there for Liam like she owned the place. (She never actually had qualms about breaking in so that wasn't much of a stretch…)

Mickey just chuckled a little and cursed silently. Ian smiled, glad to have a distraction from the monumental news he just got. And Mandy looked at her brother confused but he just shrugged. Then she looked at Ian who didn’t seem particularly bothered either.

And then she lost it. “Who the fuck are you?”, she yelled standing up from the table taking a step towards Lilli ready to defend her brother and her best friend.

Lilli just raised an eyebrow. “Honourable that you want to protect your friends”, she explained calmly. “But you don’t want to fight me. You don’t have a chance…”

Ian frowned. _What?_ He forced out a laugh and went over to calm Mandy down. “Yeah… cocky much?”, he weakly called out Lilli on that statement. “Don’t worry. She’s not a threat… That’s Lilli. She’s just…”, he trailed off because he didn’t really know how to finish that sentence. She was Andy’s _somehow-maybe-not-really-sister_ that Mickey met back when their relationship was fucked up and that kept coming back to haunt them.

“Ahh, chill your tits”, Mickey jumped in to help him. “She’s just our occasional stalker. Total lunatic but hard to get rid of, so we just deal with it…”, he explained so relaxed it calmed down Ian as well.

Judging by Mandy’s face though she wasn’t quite convinced yet. She still frowned and kept looking between the three of them. “Okay”, she finally relented. “Totally not creepy or anything… “She was sitting back down at the table but still gazed at their visitor suspiciously. Ian knew her well enough to realise that she was still only a few seconds away from decking the woman in their kitchen. So, he went over to her and put his hands on her shoulders to reassure her.

Lilli might be … _unconventional_ but she actually had been somehow helpful to them. If he was honest, he thought of her as more of a friend now than a stalker. A friend he hardly knew anything about and never had anything that would qualify as a normal conversation with. But still a friend.

“That’s Mandy by the way…”, he introduced her to Lilli to break the uncomfortable silence that had settled in the room. “She’s Mick’s sister”

There was a flicker of recognition in Lilli's eyes and she smirked at Mickey as if it was some kind of inside joke between them. Ian frowned and looked at his husband to see what was that about. But Mickey ignored both of them and just picked at the label of his beer bottle.

“I like to ask difficult questions”, Lilli interrupted the silent conversation Ian was trying to have with his husband. “So, please don’t freak out. I don’t have the energy for that right now.”

She went over to the window staring into the rain. (Ian hadn’t even noticed it but apparently it had started pouring at some point. Normally he hated the rain. He always felt like rain trapped him inside. Right now, though it felt appropriate. It fit the mood somehow.)

“Everybody has demons. That’s just an undeniable ground rule of the universe. Nobody walks through life totally unscathed”, Lilli explained without turning back towards them. “We can’t choose what happens to us. We don’t get a choice in what we have to endure. What we have to survive.”

She took another sip of the soda can and turned back around but avoided looking at anybody. “The only thing that’s up to us is how we deal with it. Which leaves us with only one singular choice…”, she trailed off and then she looked up again and somehow managed to fix all three of them with her gaze. “How do you want to deal with horrible things?”

Ian tried to swallow down the lump in his throat that had formed in mere seconds. There were so many things that fucked him up. His parents. His disorder. Homophobia. Other people’s ruthlessness. The list was probably endless. But she was wrong. He might not have chosen all of these things he at least chose some of them. He chose Mickey. And as much as he loved him that love hasn’t always been good for him. He chose to go off his meds. He chose to work in the Fairy-tale. He was at least partly responsible.

Then he looked over to Mickey who was staring right back at him now. For a minute he was afraid that Mickey somehow knew what he was thinking and would berate him about it any second. He never liked it when Ian felt guilty about things he couldn’t control. He once said to him that no matter what they would deal with it together.

He could see all things this question made Mickey think of. Or at least some of it. And he realised that he was only at the very beginning of dealing with it. For the most part he just tried to ignore it and go on but the ghosts of his past always came back to haunt him. Maybe he only allowed himself to actually think about this stuff was because he knew that Ian wouldn’t let him fall again.

“I had a boyfriend who got me to a counsellor, once”, Mandy suddenly admitted. “We talked about a bunch of stuff. Not only the dark stuff but … yeah, that too. And they all kept telling me it wasn’t my fault. And maybe… Maybe I even started to believe them at some point. It’s just…”

She looked down at her beer bottle again as if it had all the answers. And Ian tightened his hold on her shoulders trying to comfort her. He might be one of the few people that didn’t judge Mandy for anything that happened to her or what she’d done. (Maybe because some of it also happened to him. But he wasn’t ready to admit that yet.) He just wanted her to feel that she wasn't alone here. And if it was up to Ian she never would again.

“The Milkovich rule always was everybody on their own. Asking for help was a weakness even when it isn’t. We never talk about anything. It’s everybody for themselves. Always been that way with everything. Money. Food. The fucked-up things he’d done to us…”, she stopped her voice breaking a little bit.

Ian couldn’t help but think that Mandy had it the hardest out of all of them. Because even when they were forced apart Mickey and Ian always had each other. Mandy had to do it all alone. She couldn’t even dream about somebody coming back for them. And then watching stunned when it actually happened.

Mandy let out a strangled laugh and shrugged away from Ian’s soothing hands. She couldn’t take any closeness from anybody with what she was going to say next.

“I keep thinking what would have happened if I had been braver. If I knew what being brave actually was. If I stood up for myself and talked about it. About what happened to me. What he’d done to me. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I had gone to the police. How far would I have gotten? Would they even have given me a day in court? Would everything just have been fucking worse?”

She looked down at the table hurled in on herself desperately hoping none of them would approach her. And it hurt Ian more than anything because he had seen it before. Milkoviches weren’t good with vulnerability. When they allowed themselves to open up, they closed in on themselves immediately afterwards. As if they were afraid of attackers.

Lilli didn’t have the same sensibilities as Mickey and Ian. She frowned a little and asked curiously: “Why the past tense? Is there a time limit? Why can’t you do it now? Why can’t you be brave now?”

Mandy looked up at her bewildered. Ian could see in her eyes that she thought that was fucking crazy. Hell, it was fucking crazy! Who was gonna believe them now?

“I don’t know the full history here. But the way I get it you already tried the whole not talking about it and ignoring the hell out of it route. So, how did that work out for you? Are you better?”, Lilli challenged her.

(She was back. The woman that told him he couldn’t fucking do recovery alone with such conviction was back. In their last few encounters Ian realised she had a vulnerable side to her to. But this was exactly the woman he met back then.)

“You are still dealing with that shit, so you still have all the options. Continue to ignore all of it and hope it will never come back to haunt you again. Admitting to yourself that you need help dealing with it and seek out a lawyer or a therapist. And there are probably a million other options in varying degrees of healthiness”, she continued and stepped forward in Mandy’s direction until she was standing right in front of her.

“So, why can’t you be brave now and choose a new fucking option? You can’t change the past. But you still have a lot of options now!”, she insisted looking her straight in the eyes. Her gaze not wavering once. It was a challenge bordering on an attack. And Ian knew Mandy well enough to expect what was coming next. She would not just sit back and take it.

“Who the fuck are you to tell me anything? You don’t fucking know me! Fuck, you’ve barely met me! What the fuck do you know about that?”, she yelled at Lilli standing up from the table raising her hands ready to defend herself.

Ian was ready to intervene should this escalate even more and he noticed Mickey got up from his chair as well. But Lilli didn’t seem the least bit worried. She just smiled that mysterious smile and headed back to the window to stare at the pouring rain outside.

She took another sip of her soda before she explained silently but determinately: “I know that I don’t want to stop being brave because I made mistakes in the past. Or because it’s been a few years. I know it’s not fucking easy. But I want my day in court. And I decided that I will do anything to get that day and walk out of that courtroom finally and completely free.”

She turned around again and looked at all of them at the same time again. She crushed the soda can in her hands and sighed. “I realized that I am playing the long game. It’s gonna take time to win. But I am willing to work for it and I am prepared to make all of the sacrifices”, she declared with such conviction that Ian almost felt sorry for whoever she was gonna nail in the end. Because the way she said it there was no way it wasn’t gonna happen.

“I gotta deal with all that shit in the meantime too. Because I can’t ignore my issues until I get my day in court. And it doesn’t always feel real when it’s only in your mind. When it’s just you and a wall of silence. So, I talk to the people who went through it with me. And occasionally my friends drag me to a counsellor”, she stopped abruptly and chuckled. “Don’t tell them but it actually kind of helps.”

She threw the soda can in the trash and headed to the door but decided against it last minute and turned around again pulling out a piece of paper and stealing a pen from their kitchen table and scribbled something down on it.

Then she turned to Mandy laid the piece down in front of her and looked her directly in the eyes. “You can still be brave. You still have all the options - hell maybe even more. So, decide what you wanna do. Go to court? Or rather therapy? Or just continue to ignore the issues and let them eat you up from the inside? Distract yourself with other people’s problems?”

She turned around again and called out to Mandy: “I’m not gonna tell you what to do. Hell, I don’t even know how I can be free myself! I’m just giving you more options.”

Ian looked over Mandy’s shoulder to see what she had scribbled down. It was an ad for some prestigious lawyer and in Lilli’s messy handwriting the words _Tell them you’re a friend of Fred’s_ was written over it. Who the fuck was Fred?

“By the way, he thinks I’m worse than you”, she yelled out before she closed the door behind her.

Mickey and Mandy looked at each other for a second and then they both started laughing. Because for once they agreed on something. And Ian realised that it didn’t matter what they were going to do about Terry. They would get through it together.

* * *

Andy had invited them over to his place to celebrate his birthday and a particular difficult exam he passed. It was probably the weirdest party Ian had ever been to. (Considering he had done and seen some crazy shit in his days at the Fairy tale that actually meant a lot.) Or maybe it wasn’t really the party itself that was unusual. Sure, it was not your typical college _drink-until-you-throw-up party_. (Andy wasn’t the typical college student either.) It was just a few people crammed into the living room of Andy’s apartment with some booze and music.

The strange thing about that party were the guests. Andy knew some seriously weird people. There was a blind dude, a woman with hemiplegia, some amputees, a few people talking in sign language and mixed in between some normal college geeks and the two southside queers of course. People of all ages, genders and with a bunch of different backgrounds. It was kind of amazing.

It has been a long time since Ian felt so normal outside his group sessions in the centre. In the group everybody dealt with similar issues. His disorder didn’t alienate him there, it included him. At this party with all these imperfect people that were socialising and smiling and laughing with each other, he didn’t feel like the odd one out. Which he did a lot since he was diagnosed.

As comfortable as Ian felt here Mikey didn’t. He never was particularly good with people or socialising in general. So, it was pretty early on that he tapped Ian on the shoulder and told him not to worry he was just catching some fresh air and Ian hadn’t seen him since.

He found him talking to Andy on the balcony a while later when he was looking for him again. The people he met so far were nice and really interesting. (He met a girl and her best friend who had memory problems after a nasty brain infection. And a guy who was deaf but talked to him by reading his lips.) But he was here with his husband and call him a sap - he also wanted to spend time with his husband.

“I’ll get you the good stuff”, their host promised Mickey as Ian was stepping out on the balcony. When he noticed Ian standing in the door he smiled and asked gleefully: “Hi! Are you having a good time in there?”

Ian nodded and smiled at him gently. Andy was clearly enjoying himself tonight. He hadn’t seen the man so joyful in all the time he’d known him yet. “You have really great friends”, he commented casually. “But I thought it was time to check up on my husband again”

Andy smiled and there was a glimmer in his eyes Ian couldn’t quite pinpoint. “Yeah…You’re right”, he agreed warmly. Then he quirked his head to the side and deliberated: “For a long time I lived in a world that was purely black and white. Maybe they all remind me that the world is indeed very colourful.”

There was a happy laugh from the other side of the balcony when he said that and all heads turned to find a pleased looking blond woman dressed completely in black standing over there. _Lilli._ She looked at each of them scrutinizing before teasing: “Well spoken, bambino. Although this exhausted looking assembly does little to prove you right.”

Andy ignored her taunting and just laughed wholeheartedly. “How did you get here?”, he asked frowning.

Lilli didn’t answer. Instead she walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek in greeting. “Wouldn’t have been much of a surprise if I came through the front door, would it?”, she explained as if it was obvious, rolling her eyes in the process. Then she hugged him and whispered something in his ear. (Ian was standing pretty close to them and thought he heard something like _Happy birthday, Saint Andy._ )

“If you were heading inside anyway, could you get me a beer? I need something before going into the dragon's den there”, she requested with her usual wit pointing to the people inside the apartment. She probably didn’t feel that comfortable in crowds. Just like Mickey.

Andy seemed to understand that, too. “Secret stash?”, he checked with her and headed back towards the kitchen when she nodded. “Everything else is basically just flavoured water”, she yelled after him.

Then she settled against the railing looking at Mickey with a mysterious smile. “Funny, isn’t it?”, she pondered. “How we meet again here… Where this all started…”

Mickey let out a snarky snort. “Ha! Yeah!”, he jokingly mocked. “Can’t imagine my life without a crazy bitch following me around anymore! Wouldn’t know what to do without you!”

She laughed a little but it sounded sad and unsure. Then she turned around and looked out into the city lights. “I think you would have managed without me”, she admitted silently. “And I think you are going to.” She laughed nervously and it almost looked like she was wiping at her cheek. (Although it could have just been a strand of hair. Ian couldn’t really see her clearly from where he was standing.)

That was rich coming from her. Wasn’t it her that insisted they needed to make active choices for their happiness? Wasn’t it her that pointed out all these things they were lacking through her questioning? Wasn’t it her that left all these phone numbers, business cards and notes to give them more actual options in their choices? She decided she was gonna be their guardian angel without consulting them first.

“Believe me, at least in the next few years you’re better off without me”, Lilli insisted. Her voice was stronger now, at least a little of her usual confidence had returned. (Ian couldn’t quite pinpoint it but something about her seemed off. She wasn’t her usual self. Ian just didn’t know what was different.)

He was about to ask when she started talking again. “I gotta ask you something”, she said it so quickly like she was afraid she wouldn’t make it when she waited one second longer. “And this is the only time I will actually ask for an answer and I know I haven’t really bothered with that before… at least for the most part… just… bear with me, please!”, she stammered empathetic.

When Ian looked her in the eyes, he realised she was actually pleading with them. This was fucking important to her for some reason. He wanted to go over to the railing and comfort her but he didn’t really know how to. Ian might think of her as a friend but she was the most complicated friend he had.

“Do you remember back when we first met?” She was looking at Mickey now, her voice hopeful and tenacious. “The promise you made me? You remember what that was about?”

Mickey frowned. “That listening thing you were bitching about?”

She nodded fiercely and smiled at him happily. Then she turned to Ian. “And you! Do you remember what we talked about in our first meeting? How you have to do most of the work in recovery but…”

“I don’t have to do it all alone”, he interrupted her and smiled at her reassuringly. “Yeah. I remember…”

Lilli smiled at them now. Truly smiled. It almost knocked Ian off his feet. He thought he knew what she looked like smiling. He had seen her smile before. But not like this. Never so honestly. So unapologetically.

“Did you do it? The listening? Accepting help?”, she asked carefully. “Did you actually do it?”

This was the question she wanted an answer to he realised quickly. It was more than just wanting. She needed to know. At least she acted like her entire sanity was tied to their answer. And Ian realised that he couldn’t lie to her. She would know anyway if he did and she would hate him for it. Because for all the time he had known her she was nothing but honest.

“I try”, he admitted. “I still feel like sometimes everybody just tries to smother me. Then I think they don’t see me as a complete person anymore. Like they might think I can’t do it on my own…”

Mickey was looking at him like he was about to cry. He could never deal with Ian talking about himself like this. (It was almost ironic because if Ian was talking about Mickey like that, he would believe it in an instant.)

He closed his eyes for a minute and took a deep breath. Then he walked over to Mickey, took his hand in his and squeezed it reassuringly. Then he explained further: “I think it gets a little easier. Seeing the help as just that - help from people that care about me. Not something that is trying to take away my independence. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable. But I keep trying and it keeps getting a little easier each time.”

Lilli smiled at him in that new wonderful way again and it warmed Ian’s heart. “Thank you”, she whispered. Then she looked at Mickey waiting for him to say something next.

But his husband didn’t even twitch. Ian rolled his eyes and shoved at his shoulder prompting him to answer her as well. Just this once she wanted words. They could at least give her that.

Mickey sighed annoyed. “Oh, fuck off!”, he swore irritated. “You were just riding my ass because I might have overreacted a little after that courthouse thing!

The smile was gone from her face immediately and she was back to the for some non-specific reason dangerous woman that she was. Lilli took a step towards Mickey who was sitting down on a chair and lowered herself so she could look him directly in the eyes. Then she said in a voice as cold as ice: “Don’t play with me. I want an answer. A proper answer. An honest answer. And I’m not leaving until I get one.”

Mickey was clearly uncomfortable with her closeness. He leaned as far away from her as he could and tried not to look at her. But Lilli wasn’t backing down. She fixed him with a dangerous glare he couldn’t escape, determinant to win this silent battle.

She did, too.

“I think I’m getting better, ok?”, Mickey finally relented and yelled in her face. “I still jump to conclusions really fast and don’t react… all that well to some things but… I … I actually thought it was getting better…”

Lilli was immediately out of his personal space leaning against the railing again, smiling that wonderful smile at him. Relieved not to be trapped anymore Mickey squeezed Ian’s hand tighter and looked him in the eyes when he silently whispered: “Like we’re getting better at not running away from each other”

Andy chose this moment to come back through the balcony door with a few beer bottles stored in his wheelchair. He eyed the three of them suspiciously but didn’t say a word. Instead he handed Lilli and Mickey a beer and explained to Mickey: “It’s from my secret stash. High quality Bavarian beer. It’s truly amazing…” Andy chuckled a little and pointed at Lilli when he added: “And she refuses to drink anything else!”

Lilli laughed and patted Andy on the shoulder, still smiling. “Damn right I do!”, she agreed. “I’m gonna head inside. It’s getting cold out here”

She stopped once more when she was at the door, turned around to them and said fondly: “So… have a nice life!” Then she gave them one last smile that almost wasn’t a smile and then … she was gone.

* * *

“Do you think that time at Andy’s party… You think that was the last we’ve seen of her?”, Ian asked his husband a few months later when they were having dinner in their kitchen. It was a thought that was plaguing him for a few weeks now. Sure, her visits were never regular. She ditched them for months at time before, too. But something about their last encounter seemed different. And not just because she wanted an answer for the first time.

Mickey looked up at him frowning not bothering to swallow all of his meal down before retorting: “The Fuck?” He gazed at him searchingly as if to find out where this was coming from, all of a sudden. And Ian could just shrug. He didn’t know either.

His husband rolled his eyes and put down his fork. “Don’t worry. It’s easier to get rid of herpes than that bitch”, Mickey tried to reassure him.

Ian quirked his head to the side scrutinizing. “I don’t know”, he admitted after a while. "She never bothered to say goodbye before.”

That made Mickey look up from his food again clearly shocked. He obviously hadn’t considered that before.

“Fuck!”, he cursed exasperated.

* * *

It was a year or so after they’d seen Lilli last when DCFS was knocking on their door and dropped of Yevgeny because Svetlana had run into some trouble and Mickey was still listed as the kid’s father. At first, they were both very hesitant to have the kid back. Ian because he reminded him of all the shit he’d done while manic. And Mickey… The kid reminded him of some bad shit, too.

Ian got over it pretty quickly, though. He loved kids and was naturally good with them. He rejoiced at the chance of being a father again. Mickey had a harder time. He was not only dealing with the kid but also with his own demons.

It was exhausting. He shut down more often than not and refused to talk about it. He had nightmares again. Ian had thought these things were behind them but being around the kid brought it all back for Mickey. It got so bad that Ian decided something had to change. They couldn’t go on like this. He was ready to beg and to plead with Mickey if he had to.

He didn’t have to as it turned out. Because one evening when they were lying in bed Mickey said all of a sudden: “I think I miss her.”

It took Ian a minute or two to figure out who he was talking about. But they had talked to Mandy only last week, so that didn’t leave a lot of options. Then he nodded. “Yeah”, he mumbled. “She’s really not coming back”

(They had asked Andy about it once. The man had just shrugged and said that she was calling him regularly and she was fine. But other than that, he had been as tight-lipped on the subject as he was about his past.)

They lied next to each other in silence before Mickey raised his voice again: “Hey?”

Ian turned towards him. “Yeah?”

“You think anybody at your fancy centre thing can point me to a good fucking shrink?”

* * *

They did see her again. It would take almost a decade and just random kindness of the universe or whatever these hipsters called it. Because they met her again when they never really set out to find her. And everybody had to decide for themselves if it was a coincidence or destiny.

It was then that they finally learned her full name and some more of the backstory she as well as Andy never wanted to talk about. They realised she never lied to them but they had been completely wrong with everything they had assumed about her past.

And when they next saw her, they felt a little out of depth. Because now she was the one ignoring the issues in her life and unconsciously shaking and crying. And they were the ones asking the hard questions.


	5. Prolog: Related by memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew Rovere has been dealing with a spinal chord injury and severe grief over the last year. In one night he gains a friend who has at least somehow similar troubles and gets back a sister he didn't know he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there it is! The thing that started it all for me!  
> It is mostly about Andy and his past relationship and it answers a few questions about his relationship to Lilli and where they both come from. 
> 
> I proudly claim all the mistakes in this chapter

Andrew Rovere wasn’t exactly lonely. He had friends. Not a lot, that was true. But he certainly wasn’t alone all the time. He spent most of his time around other people to be honest. Every day he went to the outpatient programme his social worker had talked him into. It was all about helping people to readjust their life. There were not only people with spinal injuries like him but also people with other physical impairments or mental illnesses.

(The people that started the programme said that they certainly believed in specialised care for specific issues. But they said after the rehab that dealt with these issues specifically and in working to integrate these people in society again it was more beneficial to combine people with different restrictions. Because in the “real world” they would also encounter lots of people with different restrictions and issues and would have to learn to interact with them.)

So, he definitely wasn’t alone. He was surrounded by people every day in different group activities and courses in how to basically get his life back on track. How to do stuff now that he was bound to a wheelchair. How to apply to jobs and which jobs he could apply for. Or if he would want to go back to school. How to deal with the consequences of his injury.

Andy sighed. His spinal injury was not the only reason he felt like he lost a limb.

It was not easy. Definitely not easy. There were so many things he had taken for granted. Like standing or walking. Being able to see over the counter of a coffee shop. Taking the bus.

It felt a lot less like dying now than when he woke up in the hospital bed seeing his mother's face tearing up with joy. They feared he wouldn't survive the gunshot. But in the end, he walked away with his life. His life now meaning permanent spinal damage and a wheelchair.

But losing his legs was something he could imagine overcoming. At least now after extensive months of rehab. But losing his legs without having Marco by his side was killing him.

Andy didn't even know if he would have stayed with him. He was pathetic these days. He cried the day he could go to the bathroom alone again. That his mom let him live alone now again was testament to how far he had come in the one and a half year since his injury. He had no idea if Marco would have stayed around for that. He never got the chance to find out.

Andrew Rovere was not lonely. He just didn't see the point in talking to people he didn't really feel like talking to. So, he talked to hardly anybody. Because the only person he really wanted to spend time with wasn't around any longer.

That's why he was sitting in a bar on a weekday, at a table that wasn’t really compatible with wheelchairs, nursing a beer. He watched the other people in the bar disinterested. He wasn’t really paying attention to them. Some part of his brain probably still hoped to see that head of dark hair. And the shit eating grin that normally came with it, striding with confidence in his feet. Marco had mastered the art of acting funny and loosened up while still conveying that air of danger and invincibility.

His gaze halted by a dark-haired patron that was seated at the bar with his back turned to him. His shoulders were guarded like he was trying to protect himself while seeming careless. For a moment there he thought it was Marco. Marco with a sly grin and two beers in his hand, coming over to him already a snide remark on his lips and a happy simmer in his eyes. Like he was still there to sweep him of his feet and carry his drunken ass home. Watching over him the whole night.

But the moment didn’t last. It ended as quickly as it had overcome him as the guy turned around and was just so clearly not the man, he longed to see for over a year now. And the pain hit him as hard as the first time Lilli had told him. Marco was gone. He would never come back.

His eyes were fixed on the guy but stopped actually processing what he was seeing a few minutes ago. Some part of his brain did register that he was looking at some black haired angry looking dude in a sleazy bar around the corner of his apartment but most of it was lost in his thoughts about what if.

That’s why he jumped when the guy slammed down his beer on his table and snarled at him. “The fuck are you looking at?”

Andy didn’t respond. He just stared at him shell shocked, wondering when the hell that man walked over. He was just staring at him back at the bar. Did he zone out that much? Normally he at least somehow noticed what happened around him.

“Can you fuckin’ talk?”, asked the man now clearly irritated but all Andy could do was stare.

Just as the rude stranger wanted to turn around again muttering an exasperated _Jesus Christ,_ Andy found his voice again. “Nothing much, just trying to drown my sorrows in alcohol I guess”

The stranger snorted, turning his shoulder and throwing him an interested almost desperate look. “Is it working?”, he asked then.

Andy shrugged. “Can’t tell yet. But if the last year is any indication it will be a challenge”

The stranger fully turned around and sat down next to him, placing his beer on the table. “So, what’s got you all depressed?”

Andy finished his beer and waved at the bartender for another one. “Just a guy I can’t seem to get out of my head”

And even if he didn’t want to, he glanced up expecting some insult or at least a rude comment. He got careless with telling people about who he was missing some time ago. Life was too short to lie about yourself. He learned that the hard way.

The stranger took a large gulp from his own beer looking into the glass like it held the wisdom he was searching for all along. Not commenting on Andy’s confession at all. That’s a better reaction than he could have ever hoped for.

He looked up in surprise when the stranger finally said: “Yeah. I know the feeling.”

* * *

Andy didn't really know why he invited the stranger home with him. They could have continued talking in the bar but Andy didn't really feel that comfortable out in public yet. Being in a wheelchair in public was somehow harder for him than talking about his ex in public ever will be. But if this would get any deeper than it already had he wanted to be in the safety of his own four walls without any chance of being overhead.

"So, what did your guy do to you?", asked the stranger nonchalantly while looking around Andy's impressively empty but entirely accessible apartment. "Left you at the altar as well?"

He had to laugh even though nothing about that was actually funny. But to his fucked-up mind being left at the fucking altar sounded like a dream. That would have been so much better. To be honest, though, Marco would have never even proposed.

He just shook his head and answered. "We never really got to that point, actually. So, you should probably consider yourself lucky"

The stranger snorted. "Yeah right. He hurts me over and over and I … just fucking let him! Even worse, I am such a pussy, too, I come back to him. Every goddamn fucking time"

They hadn't turned on the light yet so there was no way of seeing the tears. But Andy could hear them in his voice just as well.

( _Pussy._ Andy still flinched at that word. He hated it. He knew it was just a word and he probably didn’t mean it like that. But some of the most badass strong people he had ever met were women. And they didn’t deserve to be discriminated by the mislead usage of that word.)

(He didn’t get it at first either. At first, he was ok with calling certain things gay because he thought that they just were. And he knew it wasn’t anything bad. He still didn’t want to chastise anybody using words in ways he might not agree with. But he remembered Marco’s teary eyes and the way he said: “Languages are really powerful. Even if we don’t realise it…” And then he just couldn’t do it anymore. But right now, was probably not the moment to encourage this stranger to think about how his choice of words influenced his thinking and his behaviour. Sometimes he was not sure there was ever a right time.)

"Yeah love just fucking sucks, dude. Everybody always tells you how amazing it is and you dream about falling in love your whole life just to regret it so bitterly", Andy lamented and took a sip from his beer. "But life just screws you over. And nobody has ever told you that losing love is far worse than never having it in the first place"

Apparently, Marco was right when he said Bavarian beer made you poetic. (They got it from his kitchen. From his secret stock of Marco’s favourite beer, he drank when he felt particularly nostalgic.)

The stranger let out a strangled breath that almost sounded like a chuckle. “I’ll drink to that”, he said and raised his beer. They stared into the darkness for a while until the stranger began to talk once again. “And after all these years. After all the shit we put each other through… he still actually doubts that I fucking love him? He may love me … he just doesn’t love me enough to stay…”

Andy sipped on his beer. He didn’t quite know if listening to this man’s depressing love life was making him feel better or worse about his own. He was pretty sure at one point that Marco had really loved him. He had never gotten the chance to find out if he loved him enough to stay. And that uncertainty hurt him and then it healed him and then it hurt him again and it was just not fucking fair.

He jugged down his beer and turned away from the stranger. Had Marco planned to stay with him? He had told him he wanted to leave the Forracciaro Mafia. He basically made him choose and laid his life into his hands at the same time. Had Giuliano found out ahead of time he would have been somewhere at the bottom of some ocean in parts and not just in a wheelchair without a future. There would have been no way for them to be together if Marco had chosen to remain with his grandfather.

“I actually thought a lot about that”, he said so quietly he wasn’t even sure the other guy could hear him. A tear slipped over his cheek as he continued. “I think I could have survived it if the answer was no. I think I could have survived knowing he was still out there able to change his mind someday. And someday he could have just appeared on my doorstep and swept me off my feet again. I think I could have coped with the possibility that he feared leaving more than he loved me. I could have understood that. I could have waited. I could have fucking hoped.” Now the tears were really flowing. He had never voiced these thoughts that had plagued his mind for the better part of two years now. “I would so much rather cope with the hurt of rejection than this. This fucking inevitability. This fucking hopelessness”

He didn’t turn around to see the confused look on the stranger’s face. Or his pity. Andy really didn’t want any pity. Or compassion. These empathetic eyes and careful tones in people’s voices were killing him these days. Like they could understand. Like they could know.

“Wha... “, the stranger started but halted abruptly in his speech. Andy didn’t care. He wouldn’t explain shit. He wasn’t obliged to if he didn’t feel like it. But then a controlled dangerous voice replaced the strangers voice.

“Do not move unless I tell you to. Before we continue this lovely evening, _you_ are going to tell me who the _fuck_ you are and what the _fuck_ you are doing in this house and what the _fuck_ you intend to do with this lovely depressed ball of heartbreak and tears over there?”

He whirled around immediately. His mind a little too busy comprehending that she was actually here inside his apartment threatening his guest undoubtedly with a knife against his throat (knives always were her favourite) to catch what she had said or how she emphasized every fuck especially clarifying (at least to Andy) that she was not messing around.

“Liliana?” he asked unbelievingly. She didn’t even dignify him with a glance still holding the knife against this stranger’s throat from behind. “I’ll talk to you later honey, right now I am dealing with this mess”, she said in her usual playful and yet so very dangerous voice. She pressed the knife a little closer to the strangers throat and poking him in the back with another one but still not drawing blood and demanded: “Talk! Who the _fuck_ are you? Why the _fuck_ are you here? And what the _fuck_ do you want from Saint Andy over there?”

“I’m Mickey. I met this fucking guy drinking in a bar and we just got talking and then this fucker invited me over, said better to talk about heartbreak without being fucking overheard. Which by the way, was not my idea but this fucking dickhead’s! So, I just intend to ramble on about the stupid guy that fucking left me at the altar to him, I guess! So, could you please back the fuck off!”

(It never occurred to Andy before that he didn't actually know the stranger's name. They had started talking about their deepest heartbreak from the get go. Names seemed to be secondary.)

Andy was pretty impressed. There were not a lot of people who could talk back in this annoyed nonchalant tone to Lilli with a knife at your throat. Even Marco couldn’t always do it. Not that Lilli ever needed to threaten him with a knife. She had other ways to get to Marco.

Lilli seemed to agree with him because she started laughing and making the knife disappear somewhere on her body, turning around to switch the light on and elegantly sat down in his favourite armchair. Looking at the stranger calculatingly.

“Fine, I can deal with that. Sorry about the knife. But to be honest it seems to be my standard way of greeting nowadays"

She threw him a quick glance, and smiled a sad smile about her own paranoia. As if she wanted to apologize for all the future times, she would threaten some of his guests with a knife because the paranoia would probably never go away.

Then she got up and headed out and Andy panicked.

"Where are you going?", Andy called after her almost desperately. He realised he wanted her to stay. He hadn't seen her in over a year and he hadn't exactly missed her. But now when she was already standing in his apartment, he wanted her to stay. To talk to him and cry with him. Because Lilli out of all people might be the only one that understood.

Lilli just laughed again. "Don't worry, Bambino. I am just getting a beer so I can join in on your whining"

Mickey looked at her unbelievingly and then started laughing. “You are even worse than my sister. Honestly, didn’t think that was possible”

* * *

“So, your guy, Ian?”, Lilli looked at Mickey questioningly and only continued when he nodded. “Told you basically he doesn't feel worthy of marrying you because he is clinically crazy?”

Mickey shrugged. “Yeah, that’s a way to put it…”

Lilli smiled and took a sip of her beer. He had never seen her so chatty. It wasn't really her type. She was normally playful and sarcastic but still also pretty tight lipped. At the same time though, her new chatty self didn’t really seem to be all that relaxed. She seemed to be held together only by the beer bottle she was holding in her hand.

Andy had eyed her carefully ever since she reappeared threatening his new friend in his living room. He hadn’t seen her after Marcos funeral. She was falling apart as much as him back then. But she wasn't as alone. Held together then only by her weird group of friends. She gave him a piece of paper with a phone number on it and that was the last thing he ever heard of her.

Until now.

“I am guessing from your tone you don’t like to think about it this way”

Mickey shrugged again. “Guess not. I mean, he’s joking right? I know how bad it can get! I’ve been there and I’ve stayed! Fuck, I turned myself in for him! What more does he want from me?”

Lilli snorted and looked at him with a sad smile. And the realization struck Andy like lightning. It was the same smile she had always given Marco. Maybe Mickey reminded Lilli a little of her brother. (Like he did Andy.) Maybe that’s why she continued talking to him.

“Do you actually think it is about Ian not being confident enough in his love for you? Or your love for him? That it is about him someday being tired of you and he just isn’t sure he wants you for eternity?"

Mickey winced at her words. Obviously, it was exactly what he had been thinking. But hearing it spelled out like that still had to hurt. Andy understood. Lilli had done it to him as well. She had no qualms in that department. She was pretty damn good at brutal honesty.

“Sure, it is one possibility. But I challenge you to think a little differently. Maybe the way Ian acted is not actually about your love for each other. Or his willingness to be with you. Maybe it’s something entirely different. Maybe…”

Mickey raised an eyebrow at her. “The fuck do you mean?” He asked harshly but Lilli didn’t even bat an eye.

“Could it be that it is not about Ian’s love for you or what you are willing to put up with if it means loving him but about the love, he has for himself?”

Mickey now wore a confused expression, looking at her quizzically like she just recited some physics formula. But Andy understood. It was like when Marco always held him at arm's length not really showing him how much he loved him because he was afraid, too. It was not about how much he loved him. It was more about protecting Andy from him. Even though that was the last thing Andy had wanted.

“It's difficult to accept love if you don't think you deserve any. If you think you are worth nothing more than a well-oiled machine it is difficult to understand that people may love you for more than what you can offer them in return. And when you don’t feel like you have to offer anything you can also not let yourself be loved. Although he wants nothing more than to be in your arms. Far away from everybody else.”

Andy stared into his beer bottle as if it had all the answers. He was not really sure who he was talking about. Mickey’s lover? Himself? Or Marco? He certainly knew the feeling of looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. And he knew how Marco was afraid he just wouldn’t be able to lead a normal life. That all he was ever good for was the life of crime. The restless life of a mafioso.

Lilli seemed to notice his emotional confusion and gave him a look that seemed to say _get yourself together_ but at the same time conveyed _don’t worry we’ll talk about it later._ She was a master of looks like that. Then she nodded slightly. Almost as if to indicate that he couldn’t escape a conversation once they dealt with his emotional guest.

“Just saying. I get where this Ian guy is coming from, too. I ran away the first time a guy proposed to me”, she stated nonchalantly.

It was deadly silent in the room as she said that. And at the same time Mickey asked “You fucking said ‘no’ to a guy?” Andy heard his own breathless voice ask “Someone proposed to you?”

It was not that Lilli was not a beautiful and strong woman. It was not like he couldn’t imagine some guy falling in love with her and wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. It is just that Lilli was also the most terrifying person he had ever met. And behind her playfulness she was always very distant and closed off. He couldn’t imagine her talking to somebody about feelings and shit. Hell, he never expected her to sit here with a beer in her hand listening and discussing their relationship drama.

“Multiple times actually. I never wanted to get married, either” She said matter-of-factly. Totally ignoring how she just shook Andy’s entire world.

“How many people have proposed to you?” He asked and it sounded more outraged than he intended it to.

But Lilli didn’t seem the least bit impressed. “Not many”, she just said not looking at them.

“Wrong guy?” Asked Mickey casually.

She laughed. “Probably not. Just don’t really see the point.”

“In marrying a guy who isn’t actually that bad?”, Mickey asked almost angrily.

Lilli shrugged. “Some of my best friends… To be honest they are the most committed people I know. I was good friends with both of them before they even got together... I wasn’t actually in favour of them being together. I was afraid. They both were some of my best friends. I didn’t want to lose either of them over a stupid break up”

She looked Mickey directly into the eyes. Confronting him without moving or saying a word.

“They never married. Maybe they never will. He is from a tribe of indigenous people from a little island in the Atlantic. They don’t have marriages really. It’s something else. I think roughly translated it would mean something like soul bond. Each person makes a little pendant that should represent their soul. It is important that you make it yourself. And then you have to freely give it to a person you are willing to trust with your soul. The person who received it promises to always take care of the others soul. They say if you carry around a piece of the other’s soul you can never truly be parted.”

She looked at Mickey again. “I guess that's a little like those promise rings, right?”

Mickey snorted. And mumbled something incomprehensibly. He seemed unsatisfied. Like a child who got his favourite toy taken away. Maybe he just wanted to wallow in his self-pity and be reinforced in how unfairly he had been treated and that he was doing the right thing in being angry and punishing his ex for what he did to him. And Lilli just didn’t let him. She forced him to look at it from a different angle.

“I am not saying it was right of him to act like he acted. Your guy has behaved like a shithead. He wanted to protect you and that's alright. He should have been open about it, though. And you shouldn't have hit him when he realised, he couldn't sign the license thing. You two should honestly develop some communications skills. But being angry and being hurt and wallowing in that feeling doesn’t help anyone. Most importantly it doesn’t help you. You have to consider his side of things as well. Because I bet you, he probably feels at least as bad as you do”

Somehow that made Andy mad. Was that why she left immediately after Marcos funeral? She didn’t want to _wallow_ in the grief? In his grief? Did she even mourn her brother? They didn’t have the best relationship for most of their life, who knows how long the shock of losing him lasted. At least she seemed ok now. Quite contrary to him.

(And yes, he was jealous of that. But at the same time, he didn't wanna stop grieving him. He was fucking important. He didn't deserve to be just forgotten like that. And if his family was already doing that he couldn't.)

Mickey got up and placed his empty beer bottle on the table. "Yeah, whatever", he said. "Fucker could have thought about all that before fucking dragging me to the courthouse" But his voice lacked the anger from before. It was more resigned.

Lilli didn't answer. She just continued to drink her beer and looked at Andy interestedly. Had she noticed his glum thoughts? But she looked back at their guest quickly raising an eyebrow only at him.

Mickey looked at the clock on his wall. It is already well past midnight. If he wanted to leave, he should probably do it now otherwise he could just stay the night.

"I guess…" Mickey started probably having similar thoughts to Andy and contemplating where to go now. “I guess I’ll be going then…” Or maybe he just couldn't say he was going home because he didn't know where that was anymore.

"Do you need a ride?" Andy offered.

Mickey shrugged. "Naaa, it's not that far. I can walk"

So, he was probably still going back to that rebound guy. Andy was disappointed. He had kind of hoped the guy would see reason. He could still save this relationship. They just needed to heed Lillis unspoken advice and get a grip on their fucking communication skills.

Lilli got up decidedly, looking glaringly at Mickey. “No”, she said.

Mickey raised an eyebrow at her. “The fuck do you mean ‘no’?”

She said nothing and in a matter of seconds she was holding a knife in her hand. (Andy was already used to Lillis ability to seemingly produce knives out of thin air. But he could see from the look on Mickey’s face that it was news to him.)

“I will not let you go like this. It’s none of my business but I kind of like you, kid. So, I will at least try to help you”, Lilli declared while pointing the knife at his guest. (Andy wasn’t actually afraid of her hurting Mickey. He knew she mostly used her knives for intimidation or pining somebody to the floor by their clothes.)

“Promise me you will talk to this Ian guy. Just for once in your fucking life don’t try to sabotage your life. And listen! Actually, listen to what your guy has to say! Hear him out! And listen to yourself. Not to the defence mechanisms that are always at the forefront of your mind. Listen to the core of it all. And then do what the fuck you want to do! I don’t care. But just listen!”

Lilli was almost angry. Or desperate. Andy wasn’t quite sure. An almost familiar intensity had replaced the playfulness in her voice but she was still not moving. Determinant as fuck but still in full control of all of her movements. (If Andy had to choose, he would say that was her super power. Her never-ending self-control.)

For Mickey though, this display seemed to come as a surprise. “The fuck?”, he asked eloquently.

Lilli laughed. It wasn’t happy or mocking it was a little sad and pitying. “I know the feeling, believe me. You think I’m full of shit and I’m just rambling nonsense. But for a long time, I wasn’t a big fan of listening or talking either. And let me tell you it fucking destroys you. From the inside as well as the outside. Luckily I have friends who have no qualms to tie me to a chair and force me to listen"

Friends who have also taken her away from her brother's grave in their sheltered cocoon. And they left Andy there standing alone with his grief. Friends who shielded her from the outside world in that time. Friends who fucking freed her from that asshole grandfather of hers. They just couldn’t save them both. Because Lilli probably was their priority.

“Promise me!”, Lilli had almost shouted this time. Her control slipped. Andy raised an eyebrow. That almost never happened. (Why was she determined to make that stranger see some reason? Was she trying to save him, now that she couldn’t save her brother anymore?)

His guest flinched and shook his head. He was clearly not comfortable in that situation anymore. Too bad Andy knew that Lilli didn’t give a damn about that. “Fine, I promise you to listen in the future!”, he said eventually.

Lilli put the knife away and looked at him for a long time. Then she turned around and said almost as if she didn’t care, as if she didn’t force a man to promise something at the tip of her knife. And it was testament to who she grew up with that she could make that careless attitude seem more intimidating then the knife in her hand moments before. “Fine”, she said. “Leave. And listen. Because I have my ways to find out if you kept that promise.”

Andy almost smiled. (He probably would have grinned like a lunatic if he wasn’t still a little mad at her about what she said about wallowing.) That was the dangerous, borderline crazy woman he knew. Nothing in the world would drag her down.

Not even her dead brother.

* * *

“You have weird friends”, he said as Lilli returned from the kitchen after Mickey left and she put the beer bottles away.

It was something Marco would always say about her. He would say it with a raised eyebrow and a disapproving look on this face but still make it seem like the most loving thing ever. He had still loved his sister somehow.

Lilli didn’t look at him. She just flopped down on the armchair again and shrugged.

He was still mad at her because she seemed so fucking ok. So, fucking over her brother dying. He was jealous. Because he just couldn’t fucking forget about him. And if throwing her dead brother’s words back at her hurt her it would be nothing against the gaping wound in his chest.

(If he had paid more attention, he maybe would have noticed the tear that didn’t fall from her eye and the fond but still sad look on her face. And maybe he would still feel bad for hurting her like that. No matter what he so angrily thought before. That is if he actually paid attention and was not blinded by his rage and envy of her not spending her life crying in a corner.)

“I think I am the weird friend”, she replied eventually.

Andy raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? I don’t know man you seem normal to me”

She looked at him mockingly. “You’re kidding, right? The last time I left the house without knives I was twelve. All I could do was protecting. I learned caring from them”

Andy didn’t really want to feel for her right now. But he couldn’t really help it. He got it. Growing up with her incompetent parents until her grandfather violently took over. Marco had once told him that the archangel-programme probably saved her. She wasn’t cut out for growing up between all that violence.

(Andy had to agree with him. When she was forced to work for her grandfather, he could always see her flinch whenever someone got beat up or shot. And he caught her more than once trying to help the victims after all the others had left. She hid it well. But Lilliana Forracciaro cared a lot.)

He looked at her smiling calmly at him. And it made him think of Marco again. Sitting opposite to him smiling at him. She was saved from the life with her grandfather when she was fifteen. What about Marco? Why didn’t she save him?

“Did you… did you care for him, too?”, he asked carefully not sure if he actually wanted to hear the answer.

Lilli looked away. “Yeah. I did. I just don’t know how good I was at it”

She shrugged helplessly. “We didn’t really get along very well when we were younger. Like a lot of siblings do, I guess. It’s not that I hated him. I just didn’t like him very much. When we were older and our family just grew more and more fucked up, we sort of had to rely on each other. We trusted each other. I think we cared, too. We just were terrible at communicating. That’s the thing with siblings, I guess. You sort of have to care about them. But you might not always be good at it”

The rage was boiling up in his stomach again as she talked. She _had_ to care for him? Like he was an obligation she couldn’t get rid of. Like all of this was a drag to her. Was she saying she cared for him because he was her brother not because he was Marco? Was that it?

Was that the reason she was here as well? Out of sheer obligation to a family that had done literally nothing for her.

“Is that why you are here? You think you owe it to him?”, he asked bitterly. He still felt like the only person on earth that actually missed Marco. And that made him lonelier than anything else ever could.

Lilli didn’t answer him. She almost looked uncomfortable. But reading Lillis moods was always a challenge he wasn’t sure he could actually accomplish.

And it made the anger fully surface. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. So, he just screamed at her: “Why the hell are you here? You don’t have to be! We are not fucking related and not working together anymore! Are you doing all that out of some fucked up obligation? I don’t fucking want that! I don’t want compassion I don’t want pity”

She finally turned around again and threw him an angry glare. “I do not pity you!”, she said enunciating every word. But Andy wasn’t done yet.

“Why else would you set up your dead brother’s cripple mistress with extra physical therapy? Or whatever that professional rehabilitation shit is? Yeah, I know it's you behind all that. My social worker is not exactly a trained spy. It was quite easy to guess! You don’t have to stick around for me! I loved Marco. And all that shit is not making me stop missing him. I am fine without you, ok? You can fucking go and be happy! You obviously don’t miss him anymore! How long did it take you to forget about him? A few weeks? It’s been over a year! And I am still here being miserable without him and YOU DON’T EVEN CARE THAT HE’S DEAD!”

Lilli shot up from her chair and was striding towards him with strong confident steps. She stopped immediately before him talking in a low calm voice that betrayed only on the edges how upset she was.

“You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to just belittle my grief because you can’t deal with yours! You can’t tell me how I am supposed to cope with my brother’s death! You can’t tell me I didn’t care for him! You do not get to be the only person on earth who is devastated by his death! You weren’t there! You weren’t there when he died! I was the one to watch her own grandfather strangle her brother! I was the one who saw his eyes turn dead. I was the one who carried his body out of that wretched place! I get to choose how I am dealing with all that. I get to choose how I will continue my life. Because I still live! And I have to find a way to live without him while still taking him with me! And it is my suffering and my mourning and I can do that in whatever way I like!”

Her hands were clenched and trembling while her eyes were staring straight through him not focused on anything. She was losing control. Her breath got faster and irregular. It was like she was about to cry from anger and sadness and betrayal. But she was still Lilli and holding herself together with every thread of self-control she still possessed. The self-control that had always dominated her behaviour and was slipping away with every second now.

Andy didn’t react. He was still too shocked by her words and the truth in them. There were still tears running down his face and he was still lost in his feelings while he slowly realised that the most well-adjusted person, he knew was now losing her control.

And he not only had no idea how to stop it and readjust the social power structure, he was the one who caused her outbreak.

“Will you marry me?” Suddenly, there was one of her weird friends standing tiredly in the doorstep. (The lawyer if Andy remembered correctly.) He was leaning against the doorframe looking exhausted and not the least bit worried about Lillis outburst.

Lilli didn’t turn around at first but her expression had softened considerably and she started laughing. She turned around and looked at him shaking her head lightly and said mockingly: “As if!”

* * *

They all went to bed after that impromptu proposal Lilli declined so nonchalantly. Andy didn’t know how to react to Lillis outburst especially after her friend had appeared in his apartment. So, he didn’t complain when her friend suggested that they should all head to bed. He to his own bed while his two guests set up camp in his living room.

When he woke up the next day, he immediately felt guilty for all the things he said to Lilli the night before. He frantically rushed into the living room half expecting her to be already gone when he didn’t see her immediately. Her friend was still fast asleep on the couch and he was looking around desperately when she came out of the bathroom looking still half asleep.

“I’m sorry!”, he apologized as soon as he saw her. She just smiled at him and pinched his arm lovingly and then she lied back down on his carpet and left him standing there in his wheelchair wondering what that all meant. Did she accept his apology? Was she still mad at him? And why was she lying on the floor? That guy proposed to her last night and apparently not for the first time. And yes, his couch was not very large but two people who liked each other could probably fit on it.

Sadly, he couldn’t dwell on it for long. He had to leave for his rehab programme she got him into. And although he desperately wanted to resolve the shit between them, he didn’t want to piss her off even further by not going.

So, he spent the day wondering and hoping that she would still be there when he got home. Anxiously awaiting the time, he could finally leave to go home.

His heightened excitement didn’t go unnoticed. He collected many sceptical and questioning glances. One of the physical therapists even commented on it. But Andy ignored them all and left without a word as soon as the clock said 3:30 pm.

When he entered his apartment, he noticed an unfamiliar coat hanging on his coat rack. And he had hope again that Lilli was still there. She was sitting on the balcony to be exact. A blanket wrapped around her staring of into the distance. And dread came and mixed into his hope. What would he say to her?

He contemplated for a while and then grabbed a blanket himself and told himself to just get it over with.

“Hey”, he said gently when he joined her on the balcony. “I didn’t mean to be such an asshole yesterday. I guess I just lost it…”

She raised her hand to stop him and then gestured him to sit down next to her. And so, they sat there in silence for a while. Andy growing more nervous with each second until he noticed Lillis slight smile. It was barely there. And people not used to reading Lillis expressions might have never noticed. And Andy remembered Marco saying it was probably the truest smile his sister could smile. Everything else looked fake on her.

And then he relaxed and just enjoyed the silence and the view over the city in the dying daylight.

“I lost my brother”, Lilli suddenly spoke up after a while. She didn’t turn to look at him but she knew he didn’t miss a word of what she said. “You lost him, too. You know how horrible it is. I think it will never not be horrible. I mean, he was barely twenty. Almost still a child”

She paused and continued to stare into the distance a tear slowly sliding down her cheek.

Andy realised he had been wrong. So very wrong. Lilli cared about Marco. She might care about him differently and she might mourn him differently. But she didn’t miss him any less than he did.

“At first I was just devastated. I cursed god and all the angels. I didn’t understand why they took him from the world when he had still so much to give. I grieved and I mourned him. But I also realised I didn’t have a choice other than keep on living. My life wasn't just about to end as well. I was still alive. I just had to choose how I was going to do that”

She took a deep breath and wiped the tears of her cheeks as if she was bracing herself for what she was going to say next.

“So, I knew I lost him. But… I kind of hoped … I thought eventually maybe I didn’t lose all of him. I will always have a brother. I still have my memories of him. Even though he isn’t on this earth anymore he didn’t just stop existing, you know?”

Andy didn’t. Not really. But he was starting to.

“I still have a brother even though he isn’t on earth anymore. He was here. With us. And he was flawed and wonderful and smart and amazing. And I would have never told him that”, she laughed. “Markus lived. And he laughed. And he loved… I think, he loved you most”

Now she was looking at him and Andy couldn’t hold in the tears anymore. They flowed down his cheeks freely washing out all the bitterness and anger from the last few days.

(He also had always loved how she pronounced his name. Not the Mafioso version he himself had become so accustomed to. Just the hard edges of _Markus.)_

“I loved… I still love him the most, too”, he said quietly between his tears. Lilli didn’t try to comfort him and he was grateful for that. Compassion would probably kill him right now.

“So, … I was going through his stuff recently … and I found this…”, she continued and pulled out a small velvet case from under the blanket.

He just looked at her quizzically. “What’s that?”, he asked confused.

She opened it and showed him two black shiny rings sitting next to each other in the case.

“He always wanted to be where you were”, she said so quietly it was almost a whisper and put the small case in his hands.

Andy was overwhelmed with different emotions. He was so relieved and happy that Marco had actually wanted to stay with him. He was sad that they were so cruelly robbed of that opportunity. And he missed him right now more than ever.

“He could never really leave me, you know? Because I am his sister and if you want to or not that shit is for life. But he actually _wanted_ to be bound to you for eternity. And I think he was. Maybe not legally and maybe not even by those rings. But his heart was bound to you. And I think it still is”

Andy was too overwhelmed to answer. He just stared at the rings in disbelief. Marco had bought them. He had bought them for the two of them. He wanted to marry him. He wanted to stay. Marco loved him. He couldn’t quite believe it.

Lilli looked away again almost seeming shy now.

“So, … I thought... I am bound to him by blood and DNA and dysfunctional family ties or whatever. And you are bound to him by love…so… I thought… maybe… Maybe we two are somehow bound together by him. Related by Markus or some shit”

Her voice grew quieter with each word and it sounded so vulnerable, like Andy had never heard her talk before. And he began crying anew. She thought they were family. She was basically offering him to be her brother so they could help and support each other like Marco would have done. And he wanted to tell her thank you and hug her and tell her how she just made him happier than he had been in the past year. But his throat was closed up and he couldn’t say a word. So, he reached out and took her hand and squeezed it really tightly. She squeezed it right back and together they watched the sunset over the city lights.

After a while when he finally could stop crying excessively and it got dialled down to mild crying Andy tried talking again. His voice sounded raspy and weak but he didn’t care. The words were important. He could get over that little embarrassment.

“You are right. We are related. Related by loving him. Related by our memories of him.”

She smiled again. Bigger and truer than he had ever seen her before and she squeezed his hand again. “Yeah, related by memories”

* * *

Lilli stayed for a few days. Even accompanying him to the programme sometimes. And it actually felt amazing. His mom was there for him a lot in the beginning of his rehab. But at some point, he couldn’t stand her overbearingness and constant worrying anymore. She wanted to help him with everything and in the beginning, he might have needed it but now it felt like she was holding him back. Together with his therapists and doctor they discussed that Andy was getting a lot better and would actually benefit from being on his own for some time. He still had to promise his mother to call her immediately if anything happened and in case he forgot she regularly texted him.

Lilli was not suffocating him with her care. She was hardly caring at all. She laughed at him when he struggled to see over some counters and made a snide remark whenever he acted ridiculously clumsy. But she asked honestly if he needed help and didn’t make him feel like she was looking down on him. She treated him like she would have treated him before just within the boundaries of his new reality. It was refreshing. It gave him a sense of normalcy.

Her friend had come back the evening shortly after their talk on the balcony. He had introduced himself as Fred and apologized for not being able to stay any longer and get to know him better but he was doing an internship at some court in Chicago and wouldn’t be able to spent more than his nights with them anyway.

(Andy secretly suspected that he wanted to give them more space intentionally. They needed time to get to know each other in their new reality. The reality of being family. Andy liked him. Not only because he gave them space. He had never seen Lilli as relaxed as when she was around him. He made her feel safe and Andy knew from experience that that was no easy task with the Forracciaro siblings.)

(He kissed her on the cheek when he left. Or at least he tried to. Lilli halted his movements with practised precision but he just smiled at her warmly and said: “See you around, Ianna”. When he had asked her what that was about, she just gave him the finger.)

Some evenings they just sat together in silence enjoying the silent support the other could give. Some evenings they talked until the sun threatened to rise again. Mostly Andy started the talks. Lilli would probably have been content with portraying all her emotions and words with subtle looks. Which amused Andy because just a few nights ago she had threatened a stranger into listening more.

But when he started talking, she didn’t back down. She didn't close up. She told him stories about when she and Marco were kids or when they were under their grandfather’s care. And maybe that’s what she meant by listening.

She was actually a good listener. She didn’t interrupt him or commented on what he had to say. She squeezed him tight when he needed her to and she stayed away from him when he thought he couldn’t bare anybody looking at him right now. She didn’t exploit it when he was vulnerable. Instead she made herself vulnerable, too.

It was funny how much better it made him feel to actually talk about Marco. Just Marco. He didn’t really do it since his funeral. His mom had tried. But he shut her out almost immediately. His therapists had also tried. But he didn’t think he actually could talk to any of them. Telling Mickey, he tried to drink away his sorrows about a guy was probably the most honest he had been to anybody about Marco in almost a year.

Somehow though talking to Lilli about him was easy. Maybe because she loved him as well. She didn’t question why he fell in love with a ruthless mafioso because she knew that Marco hadn’t been one. She understood in ways maybe nobody other than her could. Talking to her felt like a weight was lifted of his chest and he could finally breathe again.

It was not always pleasant to talk to Lilli. Because she never shied away from asking uncomfortable questions. She had asked him if he ever hurt Marco or how he decided to leave Forracciaro. She never pressured him into answering and sometimes she even gave her point of view on the topic or told him a quiet voice how she felt about all of that, too.

On one of those evenings where they were just enjoying each other's company silently she suddenly asked: "Have you ever thought about what you would do once you left?"

He looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean?"

She looked at her feet as if she was embarrassed by asking. "I mean you wanted to leave the Mafia and all that crime behind you. And I get why. But what did you want to do afterwards? Would you go back to school? Or find a job?"

Andy looked at his shoes and contemplated the question. Had he ever thought about it? A sinking feeling settled in his stomach when he realised, he couldn’t give her an answer.

(He almost felt betrayed even though he realised that he had no right to be. Lilli had always liked to ask the really hard questions. She never was content with the just slightly easier ones. He knew that about her. But being on the receiving end of such a conversation still wasn’t necessarily nice. Especially when she was the first one, he had ever told about his desire to leave. His voice had been even below a whisper when he had asked her about a life without breaking the law at every turn. And he remembered her smile that only slightly tugged at her lips but shone all the way out of her eyes and her soothing words and honest advice and warnings. She knew as well as him that there was not really a safe way of leaving.)

“No”, he finally said, his voice sounding hollow. “I … I didn’t really expect to make it, I think. I hoped of course… I was longing to be free of the mob so badly but… This freedom almost felt like the sun and looking into it too closely would burn my eyes…”

Andy’s cheeks began to burn when he realised how unprepared he had been. He really hadn’t thought anything through. No wonder Marco was reluctant at first. It had to have seemed like a fairy tale. Just leaving like that… He almost let out a dry laugh remembering how angry he had been at him for not choosing him immediately. He had been quite naive.

And then he looked at the ring he wore on his finger now and remembered that Marco had loved him despite it all. And he remembered that even though Marco was gone now he was still loved. That calmed him down. At least a little.

Lilli smiled a sad smile before she told him: “I get it. It is sometimes hard to believe how difficult it is to actually have a future”

She looked at him contemplatively from the side as if she couldn’t quite decide if he wanted comfort now or if she should just pull the blanket around her shoulders closer and continue to talk. He looked back at her and then decidedly put his hand on her knee and squeezed it a little. He didn’t know if he wanted comfort either. Sometimes it just reminded him how hard it was to give comfort when you are in a wheelchair. But he wanted to put her out of her misery. And when she didn’t tense up at his touch but sort of almost leaned into it, he realised that she was just like Marco in so many ways. She wasn’t really contemplating if she should comfort him, but looking for comfort for herself but also unable to ask for it. 

“I got away from my family when I was fifteen, you know?”, she said almost nervously. “But it took me a long time to really realise that I could actually choose what to do with my life. Before that I just thought I had to work as soon as I could to support the family and simply just survive. Then I thought I was going to work for my grandfather anyway but then… I got recommended for the archangel-programme and I was suddenly away from all of that. In a completely different world confronted with different people and a different country. I wasn’t really that far away from home but anyway. I still didn’t really think of myself as free. I knew I had to go back home sometime. For the holidays or whenever the programme ended… I still kind of thought I had to go back. But the longer I was away I realised that I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to work for him. And it crushed me. I didn’t feel like there was a choice or like there was any hope. And I … I was already so used to it I didn’t even think I could actually have a choice in this. I didn’t actually think I could be in charge of my own life!”

Her voice trembled and there were tears streaming down her face and Andy wished once more that he could reach her better to just hug her and whisper soothing reassurances in her ear. He reached for her hand and squeezed it so tight it almost had to hurt but this time she didn’t move. She sat there like a statue.

“Fred finally made me see reason”, she finally continued after looking into the nothingness for a while. “I think it was shortly after I turned eighteen. He said to me: ‘You can do whatever you want now’ and maybe for the first time in my life I realised he was right. I was in charge of myself now. I didn’t have to ask anybody's permission for anything anymore. It was finally my life. And at first, I was so relieved and joyous and just… happy! It was like I could finally see the world in all its colours and …”

She laughed a little wiping away some tears and finally looking at him again. And then she said in a stronger voice than before: “Honestly, it was overwhelming! There was this whole world in front of me and I didn’t know where to start exploring it. And it terrified me. And I realised that actually having a choice having a say in what you want to do in life is so freakishly hard. And great. And sometimes so frustrating. But I guess … It’s worth it. Because in the end even if you make mistakes at least they are your mistakes and you can actually learn from it”

Lilli smiled at him again. Some tears were still glittering in her eyes but she actually looked happy now. And then she hugged him and Andy rested his head on her shoulder feeling her relax against his body.

Andy started to cry when she whispered in his ear: “I hope you know that you have a real choice now. And whatever you decide to do I will do everything in my power to support you through it, ok?”

He cried because she was right it was overwhelming. Not only all the opportunities the world could offer. But also, her unconditional support and comfort. And he cried because she so deserved this freedom but a few years later her grandfather still had gotten to her. He had found her and forced her to work for her again. It had only been a few years.

“I…”, he choked out between sobs. “I am so sorry you lost your freedom again”

Lilli let out a small honest laugh and pulled back from him to look him directly in the eyes once more. “Don’t be”, she said confidently. “I got it back. At least the parts I wanted to have back. I don’t mind being dependent on my friends and family. And I don’t care if I have to tell some people some fake names to get more evidence about my grandfather’s drug empire to finally take him down in the end. And you know I can actually still do what I want to do. Travel the world and teach people about self-defence. Don’t worry about me. I got it figured out”

She smiled at him again. “So, you figure out what you want to do. Take your time if you need to. And then tell me where you need help, ok?”

He smiled back at her and nodded. Finally feeling like he had a future again.

(Even though it was - like Lilli had so graciously pointed out - fucking terrifying. But he was sure he could manage it. He had a family he had his mom and he had Lilli and together they could do almost everything.)

* * *

Lilli left the next morning. She turned around one last time at the door to give him one of her half smiles and winked at him. Then she said in her playful voice: “Take your life back, bambino. Make some choices!”And before he could even react, she was out of the door.

She only had stayed for a few days and she hadn’t actually changed anything. His apartment was still the same. Safe for a few blankets lying around in random places. He was still going to the outpatient programme every day and spend most of his nights at home. His mom still texted him constantly and visited him every week.

But Andy felt completely different. His apartment didn’t seem so empty anymore. It was like she filled it with life when she was here and left some for him when she left. It felt more like home now. He didn’t look at the outpatient programme as a waste of time or a necessary evil anymore. He recognized its usefulness now. And he actually started to listen to the people and realised it may actually help him in trying to figure out what he would do with his life. His mom was still overbearing of course. But he wasn’t annoyed by it that much anymore. He knew that she just loved him and she worried about him. And somehow it was more bearable now.

He still missed Marco. And sometimes it still felt like somebody had ripped his heart out. But it didn’t feel like it would devour him anytime soon. He knew he was allowed to miss him and still get on with his life. He knew now that he wasn’t the only one who missed him anymore. He wasn’t alone in his grief anymore. And somehow even the slight notion of sharing the grief made it easier to deal with.

That was probably the crux of it all. Life didn’t just miraculously get easier. It was still incredibly hard. He still had some bad days. Days where getting out of bed seemed just too hard to accomplish. When the sun didn’t seem to shine. And when being alone felt like dying. But at some point, he always remembered that Marco had loved him and his life was not lost. It wasn’t any easier. He just finally felt like he could actually overcome all of it.

Sometimes he caught himself staring at the rings, Lilli had given him, for hours. (He had started to wear one on his finger. He figured he could still take it off again whenever he wanted to but right now, he wanted to carry this piece of Marco with him everywhere he went.)

It seemed so impossible. Still so unbelievable. Andy couldn’t always believe it. It didn’t really matter, though when just looking at the rings made him smile.

He had learned to remember the fond memories of Marco again now. He remembered the beautiful clever boy, his laugh and his glinting eyes. His foul mouth that he couldn’t even understand because he never cared to curse in any other language than his mother tongue. They were family. And they always would be.

He thought a lot about Lilli’s questions as well. About all of them really but particularly about what he wanted to do with his life now that he had choices. Then he would play around with the ring on his finger and think about what he had to offer the world. Or what he would enjoy doing in the world.

(Andy soon realised that Lilli had been right. The world was filled with countless opportunities and being able to actually really choose was more than a little overwhelming. Especially when you so for always felt like nothing more than a pawn in another man’s game.)

It was weird how these few days seemed to turn his life around like this. Lilli just marched in without a care in the world if she was even wanted here. And she brought him hope and a family and left him to deal with it. Deal with actually having a life to live. And she just might have saved him like that.

Two days after Lilli left, Andy finally put away all the blankets lying around in his living room. (Lilli seemed to be addicted to blankets. She almost always had one draped around her shoulders.) When he took the ones from the sofa, she slept on most of the nights after her friend had left a small note fell out. On it was written in scrawly handwriting a phone number. The comment underneath the number resolved any doubt who had written it. _Use_ _it this_ _time._ _Dumbass_

* * *

Months later he found himself in a bar again. But this time he wasn’t sitting heartbroken in a corner. A few of his friends from the outpatient programme suggested they should all hang out outside the depressing rec room in the rehab centre. They all could use a little normalcy and laughter so they met up in a bar afterwards. And Andy had to admit that he actually enjoyed himself.

They just sat down and ordered a few beers joking around and laughing when Missy couldn’t find her beer and asked almost frustrated: “It’s on my left side, right?” (Because after she had a stroke a few years ago it was hard for her to perceive and notice things that were on her left side. Brains are really weird.)

They had just settled in and Martin suddenly turned serious and said: “Guys, I got a job. So, you won’t see my sorry ass again next month. I will start my training as a mental health counsellor then by the start of may!”

The whole table cheered and they clinked their glasses together, hugging him and wishing all the best luck. The blind man beamed with excitement and the praise and congratulations of his friends and was just so happy. And Andy realised that this was what Lilli wanted for him. This is where he would need to get. Looking forward and actually seeing a future. Some kind of purpose or goal.

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and a voice behind him said: “Didn’t think I would see you again”

Andy turned his head and saw Mickey grinning slightly at him. He smiled back and said: “Yeah. I guess the world really works in mysterious ways, ha?” Then he turned to his friends again, congratulating Martin one last time and explained that he would just catch up with an old friend real quick.

They went over to another table, not dissimilar to the one they met at a few months ago. After he settled Andy gave Mickey a once over. He looked good. Better, actually. Less heartbroken and happier. Maybe everything eventually worked out with his guy. Maybe they actually worked on their communication skills. Andy would strongly recommend it because he knew Lilli and had no doubt that she would keep her promise and check up on him. She was probably already keeping taps on them.

The guy gave him an almost shy smile and sat across from him on the table and then asked: “So did you get rid of your sister again? Or is she still terrorizing all your guests with knifes?”

Andy had to laugh but then he shook his head and answered: “No. And if I am lucky, I’ll keep her forever. But she didn’t extent her visit and is scaring off strangers someplace else now.”

And then he added: “Besides, you don’t really get rid of her when she decides that you need her.”

Mickey raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yeah”, Andy affirmed confidently. “And when do you ever not need family?”

Mickey snorted. “I could give you some examples…”, he trailed off having a dark glint in his eyes. And Andy couldn’t shake the uncomfortable notion that it reminded him too much of Marco whenever he talked about his grandfather. He probably had a point there. Some family was better not to have around. So, he shrugged at him and said as nonchalantly as he could: “I really needed her back then, at least. Even though I didn’t know it…”

Mickey just let out a soft _mhhh_ and took a big gulp from his beer. Then they sat there in silence for a while, sipping on their beers. Andy began softly stroking the ring on his finger again and noticed that Mickey was now too wearing a ring.

So, he asked: “You got your guy back?”

Mickey let out a short laugh and said: “Yeah...kind of married him and I … I’m really happy. I think we’re actually good, now. Like we finally get to be happy without any drama...” His voice sounded so soft, so happy it threw Andy off track. Granted he only met the guy once during what was probably some of the worst heartbreak of his life. But the loving expression on Mickey’s face still caught him by surprise.

“So, he got over his wedding jitters…” Andy connected the dots.

Mickey shrugged again and smiled. “Yeah…”, he trailed off.

He was looking at something of in the distance before he wanted to know: “So that will probably get your crazy sister off my ass, right? Almost sounded like she was coming after me in the end…”

Now Andy had to laugh. As if Lilli would give up that easily. He wished! But he decided to change the topic and leave Mickey to his delusions. He would find out soon enough anyway.

“Did you two resolve your issues then?”, he asked not very ceremoniously changing the topic.

Mickey avoided his gaze and muttered quietly: “We love each other. I think we stopped doubting that now…”

Andy tried to hide his smile. At least it was an elegant way to evade the question. (He was so not off the hook with Lilli.)

“So, you did listen to him?”, he inquired further a playful smile on his lips. He was probably playing a dangerous game. But he was having a great night and maybe his insensitive questioning would prepare him a little for Lillis inevitable visit.

Mickey looked at him bewildered but not very fazed with his curiosity. “The fuck? I fucking married the guy, of course I talk to him?”

Andy had to hold in a chuckle as he said: “You would expect that, wouldn’t you? But do you like really? You take him seriously at all times?” He was pushing his luck now and he knew it. They were actually not that good friends so he could ask such personal questions.

“Why are you asking stupid questions? The guy’s bat-shit crazy! ‘Course he’s sometimes impossible to understand!”, Mickey countered in a tone that seemed to say _Are you dumb?_

“Didn’t know you called me pet names in public! That’s really cute!”, a tall red-headed guy cut in before he kissed Mickey on the cheek and sat down next to him. Then he turned to Andy and said quite nonchalantly: “You must be pretty special when Mickey is talking to you voluntarily. Hi, I’m Ian his husband.”

Mickey shoved him slightly. “Fuck off. That’s a guy I met a few months ago during all that engagement madness”, he more or less explained how they knew each other. Then he took his husbands hand and stroked it softly under the table. Away from curious gazes.

(Maybe he tried to rub away the guilty look on Ian’s face that flashed there when he said _engagement madness._ But it disappeared quickly and merged into a winning smile.)

“I guess then maybe I should thank you for talking him into giving me another chance”, Ian said and looked at him kind of expectantly. But Andy already shook his head and replied laughingly: “I can’t really take credit for that. That was more …” He didn’t get to explain it further because Mickey interrupted him exclaiming: “Yeah! It was more his badass crazy sister, calling me out on some shit”

Andy smiled at that pretty accurate description and played with the ring on his finger again. Which probably prompted Mickey to ask: “You got engaged, too?”

Andy stilled his movements. Did he? If Marco ever actually asked him, he would have definitely said yes but since he more or less left Lilli to the task… He wasn’t quite sure what wearing the ring meant except that it calmed him down. So, he just shrugged and tried to sound as casually as possible when he replied: “I’m not sure. Can you be engaged to a dead man?”

Both men looked at him caught off guard. “What?”, asked Mickey dumbfounded.

Andy tried to smile reassuringly. “It’s almost been two years now. It’s ok…”, he tried to smooth over the shock his confession had created. Although he didn’t really know what to say. He just hoped they would get over it quickly.

Mickey huffed. “Waoh. Wasn’t expecting that. Thought your guy had left you as well or some shit…”

Andy shook his head. “No”, he explained. “He died almost two years ago now. Didn’t have a ring though when we met a few months back…”, he trailed off.

“I’m sorry”, Ian said in some semblance of courtesy. “Didn’t you want to wear the ring before?”

“No”, Andy said dryly suddenly fighting back tears. “Lilli just found the rings and brought them to me. I never… He never…” He choked, wiping the tears away that were already flowing down his cheeks and tried to get a grip on himself again.

(He was pissed at himself. He actually thought he was ok with it now. He didn’t want to cry in public. Why could he just not stop doing such stupid things? That was really embarrassing.)

“Yeah… It’s not really conventional”, he laughed trying to cover up his teary eyes.

“That’s a way to put it…”, this Ian guy said uncertainly.

Mickey snorted. “Yeah… Your sister is a crazy bitch, though. I mean she greeted me with a knife against my throat… But going through your dead boyfriend’s stuff because you are heartbroken off your ass… That’s bat-shit…”, he said probably in an attempt to get rid of the tension in the room.

Now Andy actually had to laugh. “You know she is not really my sister, right?”

Mickey gave him a confused look. “What? Why the hell else did she just appear in your apartment in the middle of the night?”

Andy smiled lightly and pointed at the ring when he said: “She’s his sister. I had seen her last at the funeral and then over a year later she suddenly appeared with the rings…”

Now Mickey had to laugh and clinked their beer bottles together saying almost lovingly but also kind of desperately: “Family, right?”

And Andy smiled and took a big gulp of his beer. Mickey got it faster than he himself.

“Yeah”, he said. “Family”

* * *

He called her later that night. It was awfully late and no normal person would pick up the phone at this time. Good that Lilli was in no way a normal person and probably not even in the same time zone as him so he at least had a chance that she was somehow still awake.

It rang a few times and to Andy it seemed like an eternity until finally a raspy voice on the other line said surprised: “Saint Andy?”

“Hey”, he said more relieved than he would ever care to admit. “How are you?”

She laughed and sounded a little exhausted. “Since you are kind of new to this family, I am gonna clue you in on something. We were never really the caring type. Mostly we just insulted and teased each other and left one another to read the emotion in between the lines…”

He snorted. And she wanted to teach somebody else about communication skills…

“But if you wanna change things up a little, fine with me. But reckon that I lived in the Czech Republic for some time and these people there actually take such question seriously…”

“What do you mean?”, he asked confused.

“That I am gonna really tell you how I feel and not just gonna palm you off with some _Good … How are you_ bullshit, all right?”

A warm feeling spread in his chest and he said softly: “Fine with me. Hit me!”

And so, listened to her. How stupid the pupils in her self-defence courses where and how she hated the non-existent public transport system in the town she was currently in. But also, how she was still scared her grandfather was going to find her again. How life felt too much sometimes. And how she felt like the odd one out sometimes.

He also heard how hard it was for her to actually say some of these things out loud. And how it freed her sometimes. And how she was so happy for him to have called her.

(Maybe he got it wrong. Maybe she communicated in every way she could. Maybe that was exactly what she meant by learning to listen. To hear everybody out and keep a close eye to the space between the lines.)

“How are you?”, she finally asked when she seemed to be done.

He shrugged even though she had no way of seeing that. “I met Mickey again today. He actually married the guy he was whining about all the time when you met him. Met the guy too. Seemed solid. He actually thinks he’s off the hook with you now that he’s married”

That made her laugh and she snorted: “Idiot. As if I don’t know how to properly threaten people! The key is to follow through with it!”

He agreed wholeheartedly and smiled into the darkness.

“The rehab thing is going well, too. I think I actually made some friends now. I talk to the other patients more. Today we were in a bar after the programme ended…”

She didn’t say anything but he imagined her smiling at the phone wherever she was in the world right now.

“I also thought a lot about your question. You know, what I want to do with my life now… and I think I kind of have an answer…”, he continued getting more nervous with every word.

“Oh yeah?”, she asked interestedly. “Do you want to tell me?”

“Yeah… I think I wanna go to school again. I’m not that old actually and … There is a whole world out there and I wanna know more about it. Maybe I’ll do biology or anthropology or some shit. I don’t have to decide that right now…”

Now that he said it, he felt better. Like keeping it a secret had put a weight on his heart. But it was only his first secret to commit to her and the second one was kind of a bigger deal. At least to him.

“I think that’s a good idea. I’ll talk to Fred about scholarships and that shit. Or maybe Lur… He knows more about… that…”, she said supportively.

Andy smiled and mentally prepared himself for what he was gonna say next. That was the real secret. The real reason he had called her in the middle of the night in the first place.

“Thanks a lot … I… I really appreciate it. And Lilli?”, he asked rushing the words out before his courage would eventually leave him.

“Yeah?”, she asked amused at his nervousness.

“I also thought about the rings. I started wearing one so … I have a reminder of him everywhere I go but… There are two of them, you know? And I thought… maybe… if you want… it could be nice…”

“Spit it out, bambino!”, she laughingly interrupted his rambling.

He took one last deep breath before he said: “Maybe you should take his ring. You know to remember. To keep him with you. I don’t need two rings. And at least then I know his ring is with the person closest to him on this earth”

There was silence on the line for quite some time. And Andy began to doubt that it was a good idea. Lilli probably didn’t want to be reminded of seeing her brother die before her eyes every day. It was a stupid idea. Why did he ever think…? He should really stop thinking…

But then Lilli spoke again. Her voice sounding low and almost empty but still so very fond. And she said: “You really can be a Saint sometimes, Andy…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read this. This was more personal to me than any of the other chapters. 
> 
> Stay healthy and have a nice day!


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